I, like many people commute to work every day. For some reason, I felt the need to share with you, how difficult that simple tasks are for me. Something as inconsequential as taking the bus to work can insight pure terror in me, even though it’s something I do every day, twice a day, for the better part of 18 years now.

The day starts out like any other, leave the house at precisely 6:45, walk to the corner, avoiding all cracks in the street. The bus arrives around 6:55, if it does not, the anxiety skyrockets of course.

…The bus pulls up, is it a bus driver I recognize? Is he a good driver? Will he be safe? I get on. Show my pass, which of course has been in my hand ready to go for minutes in anticipation of the bus showing up. Now, to find a seat. The seat must be an empty row, on the side of the bus opposite the sun. It must be between two empty rows, and it must “feel” right. Of course, if this perfect seat is not available, again,the anxiety spirals out of control. Every stop, I examine the passengers getting on. Are they clean? Do they look like they might smell? Please don’t sit next to me, keep going. Someone sits in the seat in front of me. Wait, they just put the seat back into my knees, they’re touching me. My heart is now racing, why would they do this? I kick the seat a bunch of times but they don’t get the hint. I move awkwardly and find a way so that their seat is not touching me. I –think- I’ll be ok again. I can still feel my heart pounding and am very uncomfortable. Next stop, now the bus is filling up. There are currently 36 passengers on the bus meaning there are 13 more seats; one of which is next to me. I move into the space to make the seat less appealing. I look into the window reflection to examine each of the passengers getting on. Please don’t sit next to me…. Made it through another stop. 5 seats left, and two more stops. Next stop, there’s 7 people getting on, now my leg is shaking, I’m grinding my teeth, there’s no avoiding someone sitting next to me now. Then It happens, A 6ft tall, medium build man sits next to me. I immediately note the edge of my seat and ensure that I am on my side, and he is on his. Wait, now he has something in his pocket and it’s brushing against my leg. This is horrible! I move to try to avoid it but then I’m faced with the seatback in front of me again. It’s either seatback or the leg of my fellow commuter. I want a shower. What’s that smell? Does he smell? Is he sweaty? I need a shower. Get me off this bus. Then I have to watch the traffic, if the bus hits traffic it makes me stress, I cannot be late. Granted, I take a bus that puts me in the office an hour early just because I obsess about being late. We pull into the bus station and my anxiety is so high that I have a pounding headache, it’s time to take more Ativan, walk to my office and try to calm down.

Going home is much the same. I leave my office at precisely 5:00 (tardiness is an OCD trigger to me), I get to the line for the bus at 5:05 exactly, which puts me in the front of the line so that I can pick the “right” seat, and then I can pray for an easy ride home.

Now, I’ve got my iPhone, I’ve played the most relaxing music I can find in these scenarios. I’ve looked out the window, done breathing exercises, etc. It’s just not –helping-