So I've been up for a while today already, as I had another night of horrible, unimaginable nightmares. I've been having them every night that I'm actually able to fall asleep. Sleeping and dreaming used to be the only way to leave my world behind for a moment. I've always had a very vivid imagination- even when I was a child, I wrote stories and was constantly drawing- so my dreams are always of incredible things I've never seen before, beautiful strangers, and things I could never possibly do. But now that beautiful world has been invaded and my imagination now creates horrors for me that shouldn't even exist in the human mind. Both the waking world and the worlds I see when I sleep are nightmares. This isn't the first time it's happened, but it never gets any easier. I wake every morning in cold sweats and tears with my bedding strewn about the room. When I blink, the backs of my eyelids are tainted with the awful things I witnessed in the boundless universe that is my sick, imaginative subconscious. I'm so tired…
Yet on days that I don't have work or art classes, I can't bring myself to leave my bed which has become a prison. I'm too afraid to enter the cruel waking world, and too tormented to reenter my nightmares. I've been experiencing more and more days where I never sleep, but never truly get up; hours passed just staring at the walls. I'm too tired to harm myself- to take my own life- but I'm also too tired to do anything about the way I feel. Today, I'm numb. Having laid in bed, letting my soul rot, I'm just a shell. Perhaps tomorrow I'll have been revitalized- perhaps I'll go out and do something.
But probably not.
I don't know what I want to come of today. I don't know what I want or expect from myself. I want to be happy…I think. It's hard to even imagine right now. It's like I've already forgotten what that's like.
I'm so tired…
Haveing read you blog i can relate to most of wat you have said are you on any medication ?you now i was like thats for years many sleep less night bad dreams and wen i got to suicidle stages a friend went with me to the doctors to make sure i went if she hadent made sure i went i wouldent be here now are,had this medication but after awhile it dident do me no gud to many side affects so i went back and got some other a little milder and i havent looked back since solid nights sleeps im not saying its gons get read of depression or axiety but it sure dose help,if your not on meds i would recomend it hope this helps.
I have something for you to try Theresa, Before retiring for bed. I want you to say (out loud, so your ears can hear it) I give myself permission to have a good night's sleep. Try this for several days running and see if it makes a difference. It works for me. Hugs, Mary xx