sorry long rant i just cant sleep and need to try and see if i can get some stuff out of my head as i cant stop over thinking.
Really feel like im slipping back into a deep depression and its scaring me. been out of therpy for over a year and half now and i dont know what to do , im trying everything i learnt in therapy but its just not enough, and i cant tell anyone it just ruins everyone elses lives, found out a few months ago i was a major part of my sisters breakdown last year as she cant understand why ive done what ive done to myself in the past and thats built up over time , so telling anything to anyone in my family is out of the question i wont be responsible for anothers breakdown. cant say much to my boyfriend , he knows something is up but if i say anything he then gets upset (which i can understand as hes never been through it or seen anyone else go through it so he dosnt understand) so i end up comfertering him which sometimes when you need to just cry and let it out is with out sounding selfish is the last thing you need and then also knowing ive come away and put stress on his shoulders. Friends are also out of the question, im questioning them a lot at the moment , my socal best friend has almost fogotton me since ive changed jobs , dosnt bother getting back to me when i contact her , so this has shaken up my trust in having friends at the moment as the last few months have shown me how much support i dont have with people i thought would. so yeah im alone in this like many others i know i just wish there was a way of speaking to people around you with out it effecting them buti know thats not possible not even with someone who dosnt consider you close.
i think of this slipping back has come from having a new job. ive been working really hard over the last few years and wassaid i was looking at a pay rise and i never did, so when i was offered another job within the company i decided for long term it was better prospects and i was fed up of working long hours and doing a hell of lot more than my job role with no extra pay or thanks and after a few years that did get to me. so i was pleased for myself in going for something that would take me out of my comfert zone as its a new role, newish people due to being in the same company but differnt department, and worrying if i had made the right choice. and for me all that is a major thing for me to do and really pushing my anixity levels buti still took that leap. Anyways hardly anyone i worked with for the last few years wished me luck or congrates (which for people who are so friendly to my face and ive helped out over the years) really hurt me , i wasnt expecting a big fare well as i was only going to a differnet deparment but a good luck would of really been a good feeling and suport from people who i thought would of. and now that im in the new department the people there are just plain bitchy. i knew it would be but didnt think it would be this bad. i know they dont like me as i used to work on factory floor and now im in the offices and the people in offices do not like the facotry lot and vise versa (shame but its how its always been aprently) so coming from factory im already in the not liked books. also when i started i was very quite but i did explain the people i work wth im not being rude im just shy until i come out of my shell so just give me a little time and the response i got back was 'well you wont fit in then' i found that hurtful and uncalled for, i was being honest with them and saying im naturally a shy person and then to get that comment back it really hurt. its been other comments and just the way they talk to me or if i got a question about the job they get anoyed , but there suppose to be training me so i feel as though if i got something to ask i best do rather than get a job wrong or im i just over reacting? i cant get it right. Today i got the comment off ' we didnt ask for her here' so i really dont feel like they want me there. i dont know what ive done to deserve that , im friendly and helpful where i can be but still i feel like im a horrible person because one my old workmates dont seem to give a damn and the new lot just plain dont like me. i try to be friendly and always go out of my way to help people and yet this is what happens , it feels like im back at school again where when people want something they are nice and then they drop you when they feel like it. so i feel like i cant get it right and i must be a terrible person and im being punished for trying to do new things and trying to better myself in a job role , i just dont get it. so yeh i think this of late has had a major impact on my moods as im struggling to see why anyone other than my family actully care in anyway. dont get me wrong i know its just not this what has effected me ive got my sisters wedding next year which means i have to see my mother which is going to bring more pain than i want to and feel like im going to be able to cope with , my grandparents are just suddenly seeming like they are getting older and i know they arnt going to be around forever but ive lived the childish dream of them being around for ever and its dawning on me of the late they arnt and ive got to learn how to deal with that one day and i dont how. there are lots of other things going on but id be here all night i just needed to rant