My name is Ron. I am 61 years old. I have suffered with depression and anxiety for the last ten years .But today something deep inside me exploded and I just lost it went into a rage, screaming and trowing things across the kitchen. I didn’t see it coming on. I believe that this had been building up just below the surface . I now not only feel depressed, I also feel a heavy weight of guilt, knowing that my sister and brother-in-law witnessed my melt down. A scene I’m sure they’ll not soon forget. I also have a great feeling of embarrassment, knowing that they witnessed a very dark and uncontrollable side of me.
I retreated to my room, laid in my bed, and contemplated my life and the thought of ending this absurd existence, this joke which I call my life, but I am still to cowardly, and can’t stand the thought of hurting those whom I love.
When I got sick, my life went into free fall. I lost my job, my home, my car, and my girlfriend. I am now living in the spare bedroom, in my sister’s house where I’m beginning to realize that this is the script I will be following for the rest of my life.
I’ve tried positive affirmations, just about every drug on the market, psychiatrists, counselors, Energy Psychology, treatment at the Amen Clinic in California, a holistic treatment plan, and received treatment at psychiatric hospitals on seven different occasions.
I now feel alone, lost, and staring at the prospect of a future with no hope of recovery.
I can’t believe this is happening to me, to my life.I shake my fist at God for allowing me to live this way, and for the absolute silence he has exhibited throughout the course of my illness.
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I knwo you don't feel it now but you CAN rewrite that script. In my opinion it is cowardly to end your life. The bravery is in saying 'I will try again tomorrow'. Life IS hard and it can, at times, completley and totally SUCK! Look at your 'explosion' as energy that definately needed to get out and probably did scare you family. When you are calmer, why not sit down with them, apologize and try to explain where you are at mentally? I have been in therapy for 30 years. Soem therapists were helpful, others werent. I think that the ones that wer not helpful, well, I was not in the space to be able to learn from them. We change so much from year to year. Please don't give it up. Keep trying until you meet the therapist that will be able to help you. Our body chemicals change as well. Something that didtn help you 10 years ago just might help you now. I understand your frustration, I really do. Make a choice to try again. You really can do it.
Be kind to yourself
Sasha
I hurt too. I've hit rock bottom and had to pick myself up so many times. But life is like that. You get things thrown at you and you just have to try and make the best of it. Don't give up Ron. I tell myself that no one is to blame for my condition or how I ended up. And you know what? No one is going to hurt me anymore without my permission. You can do it. If life was perfect it would be rather boring don't you think?