I've always been a fighter. One to never give up. Always got called relentless… But there are certain things I cannot fight against. As a child I understood I had asthma and I couldn't fight against that, months later I began the fight against cancer… And although I acknowledge my chances were very slim I fought to live to the fullest on what they had told me were my last months of life. Thanks to God I won that fight. Because of that I learned to appreciate the smallest detailsOf life, and to always give back. My children were a gift after I was told I could have none because of the risks. Almost died having them but I regret nothing! They bring me joy. After my Godmother died last year I began toFight this depression.She was always there for me helping me fight, I ran to her when I needed encouraging words and suddenly she was gone. I've been fighting on my own. Never had the closest relationship with my mom. And my best friend I've been slowly watching her fade away because of her illness. I try to remain hopeful that God will heal her. But I can't go with my problems to her, it wouldn't be fair. She is dealing with her own. I had to have a conversation with my mother the other day. I didn't want to hear it, I didn't want to talk about it. What child wants to talk about that? How she wanted to be buried. She's only 65… It's too soon for that. But she has leukemia, and she's losing that battle. She says she regrets not trying to have a relationship with me. I'm trying to fight for her but I don't have much strength left. I'm trying and all I can do is watch from the sidelines helplessly. I'm sure that's how she felt when I was dying. Unable to change the circumstances. And my relationship with my fiancé… I might as well be alone. He's never there when I need him. I'm expected to doIt all and do it perfect. But it's never perfect because I cannot do things like he would. I'm always compared to his ex wife or ex girlfriend. Always being called a liar and put down. Always being reminded that I used to be married so I'm already wasted. Struggling to stay alive. I really do love him, but my love was not good enough. Even though my friends would always tell him how shocked they were to see me be In so much love and treat him the way I do because I was never affectionate with my past relationships. But he thinks my feelings are fake. That I went around with every guy and gave my self to them. That I would easily sleep with anyone. I was raised old fashioned, I was raised to respect myself, that a lady should always be a lady. I don't wear mini skirts, or tiny shorts. I don't expose myself and go party with my friends. I don't go anywhere unless he is there and I always sit by his side. And yet I still get questioned. And yet I still love him. I'mSo pathetic I'm tired of fighting alone, I'm just tired of fighting. I'm tired of hurting, and I'm tired of watching those around me hurt. I'm tired of feeling like I'm not good enough. I'm tired of giving so much. And I'm tired of always pretending to be ok. To smile just to make others happy. I'm tired of always being careful of what I say or do or write because I don't want to talk about others. Because I don't want to mention my problems just so people don't find out how hurt and unhappy I am. For once I want someone to help me fight and be there for me. For once I don't want to pretend to be ok. For once I don't want to hurt in vain. To be appreciated for my efforts. For someone to say it's ok you don't have toFight today I'll do the fighting for you. For someone to wipe my tears instead of causing them. I don't want romance or a happily ever after, or a knight in shiny armor. I just want a normal life where the arguments don't turn into an emotional abuse. Where my down moments don't have to be masked with a fake smile. Where taking a walk with me or just cuddling for a bit isn't a horrible thing. Where my tears are cause by a happy moment. A day where gettin out of bed isn't a struggle. A day where I can go have lunch with my mom with out worrying of her pain. Where my sisters lived down the street and we could go shopping together. Where My dad lived close by and I could go on a father daughter date like we used to. A day when my best friend and I could hang out like in the old days with out her oxygen tank and with out being afraid of her collapsing. A day when I can be a functioning mother for my kids. Just one day of a normal everyday life.


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