Last night my boyfriend found out that I sometimes harm myself. I do not cut, but when I’m under a ton of pressure or emotional stress, I dig my nails into my arm or hit myself; it just gives me a sense of relieve. At first he just walked away from me. I cried the whole drive home. He just sat there, couldn’t even look at me, it hurt a lot. When I asked if he was mad at me he told me he was very very disappointed in me…that really didn’t help. I was so scared, I thought he was going to break up with me & thought I was some sort of freak or psycho. After a long time of him just sitting there looking out the window & me crying, I got the courage to tell him that what he was doing was making me feel worse. He yelled WELL OF COURSE I’M MAD AT YOU, YOU’RE FUCKING HITTING YOURSELF! I burst out crying & felt like a total psycho. I felt so lonely & hated myself. I wished that I had been better at hiding it.

After some more talk, he told me that he thinks we shouldn’t talk for awhile & if the s/h doesn’t end, we will. I thought it was over, that I was too much for him to handle. I started sobbing. I thought I lost the only person I feel truly cares about me. But instead, he reached over & started rubbing my back then pulled me in. Right away he told said “No no, Amber, in no way are we breaking up. This isn’t even a break or a trial separation. I love you will all of my heart & I want to be with you for the rest of my life.” I suppose he thinks that part of my s/h was caused by him & he just wants to see how I’m going to do if we don’t really talk for a few days. He told me that if I hurt myself again, he is going to do something worse to himself, bcuz he knows I don’t want to see him in pain. Crazy kid said he would even put a nail thru his hand for me…Much more personal stuff was said, & he made me repeat stuff after him & tell him that I meant it. I also have to cut my nails down to nothing by the time I see him, & he said he is going to check my arms every time he sees me & told me to not take it personally. He is apparently going to be worried about me 24/7 now…If he hadn’t taken the time to reassure me & just sat there & made me go home, his assumption that I was going to s/h as soon as he was out of sight was right. I felt so much relieve even as soon as his hand touched my back. He doesn’t realise that the smallest things he does helps me immensely.

Saying that I would never s/h again was extremely hard; it is one of the best feelings I can get when I feel so terrible. I really don’t want to go to the hospital or see some sort of doctor or counsellor, but he said he was going to make me whether I liked it or not if I do it again. I think his threat of hurting himself worse in front of me to make me stop hurting myself is really going to work tho; I know he would do it too. Now my problem is what can I do instead to satisfy myself & get that sense of relief? Any ideas are much appreciated. I know I can’t hurt myself anymore, but it is going to be so hard for me & I can’t think of a satisfying alternative.