i'm fed up.  the past week or so, there have been so many ups and downs.  for the first time in my life I'm changing things, i'm doing stuff i've been too anxious to even try before.  But now that I'm more or less committed to these new things, I'm falling apart.  I try to hold it together, but i just can't do it.  i can't do it alone, and i'm always f****** alone.  for years I've come onto sites like this, i try to write to a few people, i reach out to people who seem to be reaching out too, and I get nothing, absolutely nothing.  the only friends i have live on the other side of the country–i mean, they live about as far as a person could live and still be in the same country as I.  there are times when that is enough, i can write to them or talk to them on the phone.  But nights like tonight, when I feel like no on outside of the walls of this room knows me or gives a damn, it's not enough.  i'm fed up… i'm so tired, so bloody tired of trying to hold onto even a scrap of hope, always always always being alone during the times I most need friends.  and it's not from lack of trying.  on sites like this, i try to write to someone, something deep and heartfelt without being too ranting, in the hopes of finding someone who needs someone as much as I do.  nothin.  I try to write friendly little notes, in teh hopes of just getting someone's attention.  nothing.  why the hell do i bother, why do i still try week after week, month after month, when nothing has ever worked out for me, nothing.  I turn 30 next month, and i have absolutly nothing to show for it.  this past week, lifted by a newfound motivation i've experience in the past month, i've thrown myself into changes that just scare the hell out of me… what's going to become of me?  even on my good days, recently i've felt this despair just under the surface, i try to avoid it and can for a while… i can't do it anymore.  ten years of misery is enough.  but what do i do?  i'm not suicidal, but at times like this, i wish i was.  i would give anything to be that messed up, to put an and to all this.

 there's a line from a movie, can't remember specifically.  It's dawn, just before sunrise:  "Do you know that more people die at this moment, just before the dawn, than any other time of day?  It seems as if night whispers 'come away with me to the west, sleep forever.  What has another day to offer you?'"  but how does one go west with the night?