I have an appointment at 330 for medication. My breathing problem is back. My boyfriend is at me all the time. He is making me such a mess right now that it is going to be even more difficult to go to the doctor. I hate waking up every morning.

I have to go. I am going that is it !!!! The world can swirl aground me I just hope I dont pass out. That will suck. I have no one that is able to go with me. I need to get better so I can get out. He makes me wish I was dead. I am not suisidal. but i could see where it would give some relife. it would finally stop.

people have suggest to be that i should leave… i have no family, i really dont have any friends. i cant go to a shealther because i have dogs. its up to me to get up and get moving. but its so hard because i feel like i am shutting down.

i would rather have a stone boulder land on me and flatten me out. i just curl up in a ball and sink deep into the bed

i hope with therepy that this magic pill will work. I remember in breif moments, to wake up and shower smile and listen to the birds as the warm cheery sun beemed down. I would feel clean and fresh.

now it doesnt matter how many baths or showers i take . i still feel dirty i feel no excitiment, i am not happy, i dread waking up to deal with confict of the day. i only hear the cars and smell the polution feel embaressed when neibours walk by becasue i am always being yelled at. "i am the only white women not working" –i am not sure why the race is importaint to point out . maybe its an atempt to bring me down more because my apt is is a very heavy spanish and black area. i dont know. so its to shame me more and have others look down on me and judge me even more.?

you know what that does to socail anxiety.

i cant do anything with out woring about anyone judging me as is and this makes it even worse. i cant walk dogs go to the store i can even ebay with out thoughts about someone knowing or what would they think. it is tourcher

going to the doctor today is going to be really hard. why cant the doctor that hands out the magic pills be the same one that i go see and talk to. he would know what to prescibe to me better then someone that sees me for a few seconds.

i am not to crazy about getting drugs in the first place. i dont want to be dependent on anything and drugs scare me. its just being a legal addict. but i am despret now. i need to get better.


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