I have no right to be depressed.
Pffft. Like I could even know what that means. For all I know I'm confusing it with a common feeling like sadness or discontent. After all, as I've said above, I have no right to be depressed.
I have a complete family who lives harmoniously. We eat three times a day. I have a freaking new laptop for goodness' sake–not expensive but that's beside the point.
I have absolutely no right to be depressed.
There are people out there more worthy to claim this feeling than I. People who were (or are) abused, people who are homeless and unloved. I am neither of those things. So I am utterly sorry and guilty that I feel the need to claim that I am depressed…since I probably am not.
So maybe I feel a little sad. Looking at the big picture, my problems aren't that big of a deal. I hate my job. It's a draining, dead end job which holds little thrill for me. But I have a job. It provides food in my belly and allows me a few modest pleasures from time to time. Who am I to complain about my job when people are starving because they have no job whatsoever to give them an income? Why should I get to whine about things that I want to have when so many people have less than me? It's all a matter of perspective, right? It's all a matter of changing the way you look at things, right? So it's not depression i'm feeling. It's ungratefulness, right? I'm being an ungrateful brat who only thinks about herself. That's why I feel so guilty. I have sooooo many things to be thankful about–my family, my friends, my boyfriend– but something is gnawing at my heart and I feel like i'm lost. I don't know exactly but i feel soooooooo sad.
I have no right to depressed, so i'm not going to use that word. I'm sad. I'm overwhelmed. I'm lost. I feel like a mess. And I have no idea how to start fixing me up. I keep waiting for a sign, for someone to throw me a bone but i'm still here at the exact same place, feeling the exact same thing.
Of course there are good days. There are always good moments. When I laugh out loud and I get out of my own mind. But this time, when it's just me and my thoughts, I feel trapped and all the loneliness come flooding back and all I can do is pray, pray, pray and cry. I don't even know what I'm praying for. I just pray for strength. For resilience. Because honestly, it feels like my heart is breaking every single night I confront my thoughts.
So yeah. Maybe i'm not depressed at all. Maybe i'm just going batshit crazy.