My life ended a while back. I don't feel much anymore. I used to be creative and get inspired to write. Now there isn't much there. I used to have at least a few people to talk to. I used to have a steady income, and now I have no luck in my job search, and it's been six months. How am I supposed to even look for a job when I can't get anywhere? Why do I have to be so afraid of walking anywhere alone? I don't like how my life is. I feel completely stuck. I want to change it, but I don't know what to do. I like to sleep a lot and distract myself on the internet to keep myself from thinking about this.Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't be depressed, like other people have it worse than me. Other people have crappy lives every day; I have no life and feel empty. I want to WANT something. There isn't much I care about anymore. I used to want to help people, but now I've lost empathy and find it hard to care about other people. How can I when I feel so disconnected? I could make a little bit of money, but only enough for some spending money, and I'm just not that into buying stuff anymore. I want experiences in my life, not a bunch of pointless things. So then I feel guilty for not earning a couple bucks an hour online. One thing I do want is to gain weight. I've been trying for years but can never keep it on. I'm so tired of being so thin. It makes me look and feel week. But with my chronically low appetite it's hard to eat even enough to stay the same weight. I had gained a pound or so. But then I lost it and it made me want to cry. The one thing I actually have the motivation to work on and it does no good. It's actually a chore to eat for me, and since it doesn't work I feel like giving up for now and only eating when I actually want to but that would probably be once a day.I want to be passionate about something. I don't even have the energy to get out of bed, so I'm typing this on my phone. I'm hungry and I should eat but don't feel like it. It feels like a five mile walk to make food and take forever trying to eat it, and I just don't have the energy. One thing I want is to go to that concert next month, but I don't know if I'll have a way to get there. If I don't it probably means being stuck at home with no one to talk to until November. And then just being stuck at home with people being noisy and annoying me. Unless I manage to get a job, but I don't know how that will happen. Why did I have to be born? I should have died, so why didn't I? Cause this life is really, really stupid. To me, life isn't a blessing. It's a curse. I wish I had never been born. I've wished it for years. Then I would have to stress about the fututre every day because there wouldn't be one.I decided to write how I feel. I'm not always even sure about all thr crap I'm feeling. But I guess I'll stop now cause I have a feeling that this got really long.

1 Comment
  1. onelyric 7 years ago

    I think we all go though a time when nothing seems to be going good . No matter how severe other peoples problems seem to be it shoudn’t distract on how you feel. Your just as important in this world and so are your feelings.I can bet in my heart you still posess those meaningful feelings of empathy and compassion but they are hard to show for others when we are selves are in a crisis.

    Gaining weight is like losing weight …constant battle it seems. Each poses a health issue. I hope you can overcome that.

    Life may seem like a struggle right now, nothing I say can make it seem like it would get better, but I once thought as you are thinking …but I have made it this far, it has had it’s ups and it’s downs and I still can see ahead …..maybe I need to focus on that. The need to make my future better if I can only stop thinking that it will never make it there.

    Your here because you have a purpose …you just can’t see it right now.

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