I'm doing well today I think. I'm a little concerned because I woke up at 4:30 a.m. again this morning and couldn't go back to sleep. But I did get to see a beautiful sunrise and made a special breakfast for Zachary (he LOVES bacon and pancakes) and then again when my husband came home at 8:30. My Mom and Aaron and I all sat down and ate eggs and bacon and toast. It was nice.

I laid down around 10 a.m. for a nap mostly because Aaron sleeps better if I'm in the bed with him, but he couldn't sleep. I got up at noon after being restless for 2 hours, and he was still up. He didn't get to sleep until 1 p.m. after taking a sleeping pill. Poor guy…he was exhausted but just couldn't fall asleep. I made a doctor's appointment for him this morning to see her about getting Lunesta or Ambien CR or something along those lines. He's so worn out that he's constantly tired and grumpy and never feels like he's really completely with it. He argued with me about the appointment, but I put my foot down about it. He needs to find a way to get some solid rest for at least 6 hours at a time.This 3-5 hours at best is really hurting him, and I hate what it's doing to him and to all of us. It's affecting everyone's relationship with him.

I'm now very nervous about the financial situation here. My Mom (who is one of the most reliable and responsible people I've ever known) has come to the point that after 11 years she's threatening to walk out of her job. If she actually does it I don't know how we're going to manage to keep food on the table and a roof over our heads and electricity in the house. Why is it that the more financial stress we come into, the less capable I am of working?! It's so frustrating and disheartening to be disabled in a way that prevents you from doing what you know needs to be done, because you JUST CAN'T. Otherwise you'll end up in the psych ward for awhile, and that's more bills to pay and one less parent in the household. I can't win.

Like tomorrow I have a violin lesson to teach ~ and I'm TERRIFIED to go do it. Why? It's only an hour long, I'm an accomplished violinist and teacher, I know exactly what I'm doing~ so why am I so freaked out and neurotic about it? It's $30.00 for an hour's worth of work and I'm so whacked out that I'm considering cancelling, maybe even permanently. How dumb is that?

I guess you can tell I have a lot of frustration tonight.


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