Three months ago we were turned into Child Services Department. Some one accused my husband and his father of sexually abusing my eldest daughter. They talked to my eldest daughter, Meshayla, who admitted that her grandfather had indeed been molesting her. Nothing was said about my husband. A week later my husbands dad, Meshaylas grandfather, shot himself. It was a horrible time for my family. The day after his funeral we were again turned into CSD by my husbands sister-in-law. She just couldnt beleive Grandpa did it. Said it had to be my husband. This time for my husbands safety he moved in with his friend so no more alligations could be made against him. This time sister-in-law claimed that my husband had gotten my daughter pregnant and that I took her for an abortion. So this time i had to prove to CSD that I was a fit mother and had not taken her in for an abortion. It was said that my sleeping pill put me into a deep sleep and I never knew he was getting out of bed and that I was in crisis. I had to see CSD'sshrink to prove i was stableand give her a list of my medication. They confronted my daughter as well who adamently denied that my husband had ever touched her. During their investigation they found text that my daughter had made claiming that a boy in school knocked her up and that my husband took her in for an abortion. Needless to say it turned out to be a lie. All of it was a lie. My husband was found inocent and was able to return home. All charges were dropped. But for the two weeks it took for them to clear his name was a horrible nightmare.

Then my daughter called her biological dad saying she wanted to move in with him. I let her go cause I didnt want to hurt her anymore than she had been hurt. She doesnt call me doesnt miss me and it hurts so bad. I kept myself stable through all of it untill now. Three months later I have crashed into a deep depression. My pdoc says its backlash from all the stress. I hate it. I cry myself to sleep.

I got a new job that turned into a horrible political nightmare. I got hired on as a caregiver. I help the disabled and elderly clients who need the help living in their home. It turns out that the people who know how to work the system or people who are rich get full time care. Yet the poor people and the people who are on medicaid and medicare only get a couple days a week. It is horribly sad to see that some one who is badly uncapable of even showering or changing clothes cant get the care they need. The other people only want a slave and a maid. This one client of mine smoked pot and drank beer all day. I told my boss i didnt want to work in that kind of enviroment but she said there was nothing she could do about it. I was going out on my days off giving the really disabled people the care they needed. I was working during the csd shit. Now that ive crashed i spoke up and told my boss i was done. I put my two weeks notice in. She didnt even care.

I know I should pull myself together but its so hard. I have no job. I feel worthless. My mom has moved in with us cause my sister is done using her. I can barely support my family let alone her. I miss my eldest daughter so bad and it really hurts that she doesnt miss me. I fight the urge to cut but everyday it gets harder and harder. My husband is depressed since his dad committed suicide. He really dislikes my mom being here because she is disabled and having trouble. Its just such a mess. I keep hoping things will calm down but there is no relief in site. I guess I just have to take it one day at a time.