sometimes i wonder what life i would have lived had i not had this disease. where i would have gone, who i would have met, what i would of done, what chances i would have took. i live in a world where fear dictates my every action. what myriad of events and accomplishments would have i encountered had that restraint been lifted? i will never know. and i will never know why life is so fair to some and so cruel to others. what exists within my heart and within my soul, contrasts so distinctly from what exists within my mind. it would be a complete lie to say that i don’t get sad seeing what others are able to do and are doing. i’m sad that i’m always afraid. sad that i’m not living my life, knowing that even for as long as i live, there is a lot of me that is already dead inside.

i wish that there was something that i could do that would allow me to get back my normal way of thinking. i want to hug those that i love, i want to hold those that i love and never let go. and i want those moments to be free of fear and only overwhelmed by complete and utter bliss.

i’m afraid that these things will never happen again. that my mind will never be free of fear and filled with love. it is such a sad life to live, being unable to express how you feel to those you love, and even able to feel those emotions without your mind pervading your every action with fear.

i think what most people don’t understand is that happiness is the most important thing in your life. when you lose that happiness, you will do anything to get it back. you will sacrifice almost anything not to be sad. unfortunately, i don’t think people realize this until your happiness is taken away from you.

i’ve been thinking about telling a couple of my friends that i have this disease. perhaps i’ve been “denying” this disease in a sense, and trying to ignore it. i’m not sure. i’m scared of what they’ll think. 🙁