Where am i gonna find all the help I need?  I need a therapist, I need a hospital…I need more than that…

I dumped taking meds in early March.  I firmly believe my circumstances (no working, no friends, no family, no sense of God,) play a much bigger role than any chemical ever could.  I’m ready to face my demons but I don’t know how too begin…Any suggestions are welcomed

If only they had reached out when I turned to walk away…I think I’m starting to see disassociation in my life.  I don’t really have any memories too speak of.  I have had this dull ache growing inside my chest the last few weeks or even much much longer…

Is it possible I could find a native tribe that would take me in and help heal me in exchange for my social security check?  I’d probably get eattin (I look pretty plump these days) and they would just keep cashing my SS checks.  I could feel good about that outcome.

The "collective pain" that is being mishandled at D-tribe could be a powerful force, if it could be channeled for something good.  A huge and massive "squeaky wheel" would get a lot more grease than the tiny tiny squeak we all make on our own.

I got too cry a little the other day as a result of someone giving me permission "to be me" without any judgements.  That cry was cleansing and it was full of relief.  I’d like to cry for a week straight and see how I feel afterwards.  Even better, I’d like to cry for at least 1/2 hour every day…wouldn’t that be healing..?

I used to have this nagging dread as a young child of somehow finding myself being restrained physically and institutionalized forever.  For my entire life, I have spent only one night at a psych hosptial and I wasn’t restrained.  But today, I feel I am getting ever so close too this nightmarish outcome…I don’t want that outcome but its starting too feel real…

I tried to go fishing today.  The river water level was up too high still, and the bugs are starting to flourish.  As soon as I got there, I wanted to leave.  I caught this small mouth bass as I was reeling in my line to check my worm…he went for the worm just about the time it was coming out of the water.  It was a disappointing catch…I like to be able to play with the fish on the hook a while before I reel it in.  IS THIS HOW GOD FEELS?  I can’t believe that but it sure does feel that way at this time in my life.

I’m so lonely…My sisters racist redneck family (that lives across the street) were my only outlets the last five years…They kept me from looking at my life…they enjoyed using me as a welcome mat…I have withdrawn from them completely over the last year…they don’t get it and never will.

My mom has been physically dead for about 12 days now.  I haven’t any grief over this that I know of.  I was already grieving that loss long long ago.  She was one of these big "right to life" advocates.  She spent her life making that her sole purpose.  She was a shitty mom.  I’ve spent a good portion of my life wanting to "self abort" due too a large degree of neglect as a child.  If I inherit any money after my dad dies, I feel like giving it all to planned parenthood.  That would have pissed my IGNORANT mother off something fierce.

I feel more at peace in this moment than I have all day…think I’ll keep the blogging up.

How many people here at D-tribe do you secretly find distaste for?  There was this one guy here, that because of the look of his picture, I labeled him a "serial killer".  He seemed like a really nice supportive person too.  I was just envious of his involvement with others.

Being so poor wouldn’t bother me if I didn’t have too see others as so rich.  They waste their power and use it to increase the emptiness in their lives, indirectly increasing my emptiness.

I feel calm now…at peace in a way…I sure wish I had someone to give a hug too.  then again…there would probably be this additional responsibility if I had someone to hug…I don’t want, nor can I handle, any additional responsibilities..

I have sent out several huge signals too my "family", a local "friend", and my neighborhood just how sick I am feeling lately.  Not a God damned one has a clue how to respond.  The message comes through loud and clear….I am not liked if I am not presenting in a clear understandable way for them.

I started to feel "loved" by someone on here the other day.  Love in the sense of a great connection and an equal desire to connect.  Due to my extreme lonliness/depression, I allowed myself to start phantasizing a little about this sense of "love".  I expressed this and scared the person half too death I think.  I need good friends so badly…the last thing i wanted to do was push them away because of some immature longing I have.

Thanks if you read all of this blog and it made some sense too you. 

Love,

Don