I feel reflective. I must admit i find it a bit unsettling. For so long i have plunged, or blotted. Now I am reflecting. I cant say it is a huge success – i am still thinking and able to think of things I have blocked for years unintentionally. I am remembering my childhood. It isnt even really painful – more confusing. all the worst of the painful memories have been plaguing me for years.
I was bullied as soon i was old enough to walk and left unaided in my parents garden. it escalated from there and I became very used to it and to thinking of myself as fundamentally missing the something that would ever make people find room for me in thier lives. but it was i who kept them out. I cared and protected. but I learnt to hate to have anyone close (it was a 'joke' among some of my peers to befriend and then humiliate me once they had my trust) and I dont think i can truely say i have ever really had a close friend. I have kept the secrets of my friends and one I have and will care for and protect though we are so disimmilar and have little in common but a liking for each other. and I do trust her. but I dont tell her anything really personal. Even my little girl's father i knew the truth of before he confessed it – tho everyday he said he loved me. months after out break up he admitted he never loved me. I suppose I always knew this – but only in the same way you sense that perhaps the chocolate you are eating is in fact diabetic chocolate and not quite the same. a vague idea, poorly explored because of it's implications in my case.
I begin to think that I am actually capable of facing things. I mean specific things. It is terrifying to be honest, but I want to and know I will be brave enough to get so far. I want to see all the things I havent let myself think about because they hurt. I want to accept the pitfalls and the shame i have been made to feel by others and recognize that by hiding it it lives on, and also, that whatever ugly motive they had, it was not me who wished it. Were they to act the same again today, I should be able to realise the design and allow it without caring. enough to show how deliberate and petty the action is.
Being belittled, bullied, hurt and ashamed has been an upbringing for me, depsite my parents best efforts. It is a huge struggle to counter it. But it is a life plan, not a whim, and I will be patient as long as I can be sure I may persevere. I think – i cannot be completely sure – but I think i will have a great deal more than any of the people who have designed to injure me – however petty their motive. I will be free from bondage to that one day, and soon hopefully at least will much better understand the way I relate to it.
To all confirmed bullys – be yourself. that will be your punishment. to all who have felt as I have and sometimes do, persist, and live. There is SO much more. It is the letting go which is hardest. make that your challenge, your demon. fight it. xxx