So I haven't blogged in here for quite sometime. I thought now was as good a time as any. Semester started 2 weeks ago now and ive learned that this semester is really going to test me and push me way outside my comforts and boundaries. All 3 classes will require a presentation at least once during the semester. Most of which are all for my final so I have plenty of time to stress out, worry and get anxious about it. I feel I've taken on much more than I can handle by doing these classes. As much as I'm scared to death I don't see a way out of it and that is what freaks me out. On top of the impending doom with public speaking a minimum of 3 times this semester the sheer work load of 9 credit hours plus working close to 30 hrs a week is worrisome as well. Each class requires extensive writing and reading for homework. Even talking about it stresses me out. I am trying to take it 1 day, 1 class, 1 assignment at a time but when it comes down to the end of semester w/ papers due, projects due and on top of it all preparing for a presentation in each I might loose my head.

On another note I've asked my mom to visit me during spring break which is 2nd week in march but she said she won't be able to which has me sad and oddly a little mad/hurt. I don't know why her saying that she cant has turned me into a 3 year old baby throwing a tantrum exactly but I feel so alone. My parents and brother up and moved far away from me (3 hours by plane) and I can't help but have a sense of abandonment. They moved 2 years this June and for some reason I still can't shake my intense feelings of sadness and betrayal, for a lack of a better word. I know my mom is busy, has work and a life of her own but I feel so removed and far away from it all. My mom is like my best friend…aside from her and my bf I have no one. My mom is my 'safe person' beyond anyone else and to have her so far from me is hard.

At work I feel like a mutant outcast. I watch different combinations of people, co workers head out to lunch. Ive never been invited and they don't seem to mind announcing to me that they'll be back, they're headed out to get lunch with a smile on their face. I smile back while inside my little 3 year old self is crossing her arms over her chest and pouting off, proclaiming how "no one ever likes me". I don't even know if I'm sad or mad or jealous or what it is. I don't even know if I'd be comfortable having lunch w/ a coworker and dealing with the awkward silences that would probably make up for most of the hour but the fact that I'm never even considered is most hurtful.

There are probably a few more things I could go on and on about and might do in another blog but am tired of pouring out emotions that I try daily to suppress. Unhealthy maybe but sometimes coping mechanisms are the best way to deal with somethings. When there is too much on your plate to deal with and finish in one sitting there has to be a place that you can wrap it up and put it for a time when you can digest. For food we call it a refrigerator.

1 Comment
  1. Sweetsolitude 11 years ago

    Jade, you\'re a grownup whose\'s getting through life just fine – it\'s not easy for anyone – I felt the same way when I was your age – Yeah, we happen to have this \”thing\” in our heads, but we can get over it and live a good life – I have no doubt that you will, hun !!! 🙂

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