I am just not happy right now. In fact I'm bored with life. I shouldn't be. I just started a new business that is doing alright even in it's infancy. We do not have all the business we want yet but we can have it if we are patient. My husband is basically the one who is doing all of the hard work for this business and I am in the background making sure everything goes as it should. By the end of the month we should have things in place so we can really start going after business. Sounds exciting right? To me though, no, it doesn't. Maybe am just im patient is all. He has always tokd me that was my main problem, I have zero patience. I never have.

But I think it is more than that. I am lonely. I have two friends in my life that mean everything to me and they are both far away from me now. One is in another country and the fact that she still considers me her best friend even though we are far apart and she is living in a disaster torn area of Japan is amazing to me. The other, my very best friend lives on the East Coast where I am here on the West. She had to move away because of the economy here. I get that. It doesn't make me miss her any less.

We have also seemed to grow apart in many ways. She is still caring for young ones while my children are grown and one is on her own and the other is making plans to move on to his own life shortly. I am proud of that. I feel it is an accomplishment but I also feel unneeded now. I can spend an entire day without anyone talking to me or asking me if I am alright or vice versa. Many days, I feel completely invisible.

I do have other friends but it seems that everyone is busy just trying to m ake ends meet these days so I understand that we aren't all hanging out at the local bar every night. That isn't my idea of fun anyway.

I think one of my main issues is that I have so may health issues that seem to want to plague me all at once. I have chronic migraines. have had them since I was 12 years old and can no longer take opiates for them because stupid me became addicted to them. I have been clean since July of last year and I plan to stay that way so I am trying to find an alternative to help keep the pain at bay when they hit which seems to be more and more often of late. Medical Marijuana has been mentioned several times but I am not sure about it.

I was also just diagnosed with Hypothyrodism compounded with Chronic Fatigue. Yay fun. The medicine they gave me makes me feel very hyper and yet I am incredibly tired all the time and it also gives me a headache I can't shake and it makes my depression hit hard for no apparent reason at all. The funny thing is, it also makes my mind seem crystal clear so I get that it is the medicine that is most likely doing this to me. It doesn't make the depression disappear to rationalize it, trust me.

I just feel like shit and I want to escape. I want to run away from everyone and just let the ocean swallow me so I can sleep and never have to wake up to another day of the same bullshit. And at the same time I know I shouldn't feel this way. I have in my hands a major opportunity and I need to just be a little more patient. I swear to all I know that if someone tells me to be patient one more time I just may kill them before I kill myself….


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