Death is waiting to take me. Not that i'm dying of anything but slowley of old age.

I feel like i can't breathe in this world how it is. It's horrible. Notrees or natural things, just stagnant, polluted and dirty air thats giving me a headache today.I feel like no one will let me in. Its just as un-natural the way people use eachother too and that actually hurts me constantly. someone who was meant to help me get a job a while ago told me they're going to have to not offer me help because i'm "not trying". It's one of the most ignorant horrible things, that conversation was probably the only conversation i had that week and then they hang up and leave you. No emotion. It's just sick. I'm obvioulsy trying but i'm not getting any medical help and i'm desperate and have been having to stick all that out for years. I think she just diddn't like me. I'm even trying to take it on and make sense of it but i can't just be a lunatic and grab people by the collar and lock them in a dungeon and force them to be friends with me.

I'm in constant pain and it would be nice if i could just jump in a situation where someone could kill me, out of thoughtfullness and respect, or even if i just jumped in the middle of a gunfight that would do, it would be easier if it was someone else. Not abandon me. I just want to be there for so many people but no one can "cope" with what it takes to look after me or something.

I know i should be trying as if it was that easy and doing stuff but i'm trying to try and i don't know how when living is so hard. I can't stand what my head does to me and how cruel other people are when they just seem to want rid of me like an inconvinience and i just can't get in and i don't know why and i'm not being told why and theres no help for it in this day and age.

Not well.