I'm worried today … I'm beginning a hypomanic episode and I don't know how to keep it from accelerating into something dangerous . I hate this ! I feel so good and have SO much energy ~ I hate to have to make myself come down and lose the upbeat and expansive mood and the feeling that I can accomplish almost anything andeverything . It feels so amazing after fighting with thealmost constant low grade depression that fills most of my days .

If I didn't knowwhat comes after a long hypomanic episode I would ride this beautiful wave as long as I could . . . but I DO know ~ and it's ugly and truly scary . Dropping down into a lightless hole , complete apathy andthoughts of death and how it would be better for everyone if I were dead, cutting myself to ease the pain and prove I canstill feel . Isolating like no one else in the worldexists , hiding in dark and silent places and punishing anyone who dares disturb me with ugly words and sometimesminorphysical violence as well , ( but only towards my husband , never towards my son ~ as ifthat makes it okay anyhow ) .

Maybe I should go take some Kava Kava to help level me out some, but I REALLYdon't want to ! I wish I could just allow myself the freedom to enjoy this , to give myself the gift of feeling good . It's such a terrible fight with myself to have to recognize what is happening . . . sometimes I think the depression is worth it . I mean, I have to fightwith depressionthe rest of the time anyway right ? Haven't I earned this ?

My thoughts are already starting to race , and I cannot focus on one thing at a time . I run from one thing to another like I'm in a race against time , andoften forget what it is I'm intending to do next . I have the feeling that I'm going to have to take OTC sleeping pills again so that I WILL sleep . . . otherwise I'll sleep for 3 to 4 hours maximum and will just fuel the fire more .

Does ANYONE have any suggestions or methods they can share with me on what works for them to stop or at least minimize manic episodes ? Please ~ ANY help would be appreciated more than you know !


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