My whole world seems to be crashing again and I am depressed with just cause. "Just cause" to me means that I have a reason to be so depressed not just a chemical problem. Of course it's my chemical problem that caused me to make the stupid choices to get tothis horrible place in the first place.

It happened again, only this time, It's K's fault. We were supposed to see eachother last night. My parents were going out for the eveningand they knew K was coming and were happy for me in a way, but told me to be careful and not let him lead me on.

I got ready and I was singing and listening to music, got myself dressed and put on make up and did my hair just right… I waited excidedly for 7 pm when he was supposed to be here… instead he texted me and told me what he had for dinner made him sick so he couldn't make it. I pretended to go along with it andtold himthat I hope he'salright. He said "Thanks and I'm really sorry."

I honestly don't know what to think. Was it a lie? A total made up bullshit story so he didn't have to come over? Did he find something else more exciting to do (which is entirely possible) After his texts I spent an hour crying, my make up running down my face. I don't know what to believe… the reason I think he lied is because I recall him doing the same kinds of things about a month before our relationship ended. He would text and say he ate something bad and couldn't make it. Just to get out of seeing me. What's to say he isn't doing that AGAIN? The thing that baffles me now is that he is not my boyfriend now and he didn't have to say yes to coming over in the first place. He could have just stopped texting me or just said he was busy. Why make up an excuse at the last moment?

I feel like I am losing everything, EVERYTHING all over again. I am sooo sad. So lost. I know that waiting to hear from him now is foolish. If I don't, it was most certainly a lie to get out of seeing me. Just when I thought maybe there was a chance for us. If I do hear from him (which I most likely will NOT) then maybe it was the truth. But just knowing he did this to me again, hurts so much and makes me feel miserable.

I ate everything in the house I could get my hands on and drank rum and coke and watched the Muppets. It helped to just feed myself but I know I will regret it when I get fatter. I cant' stop these addictions, I am just too miserable. I just want to lay in bed and do nothing, but I can't stay there, I get too antsy. So I have to go down stairs and eat because that's all the fun I ever get.

I'm so mad at K, the more I think about it, the more I know he lied to me. I just wish he'd made up an excuse before I spent all that time getting ready and being happy and excited only to be let down. Why did he wait til the last minute? Maybe that's just the kind of selfish mother fucker he truly is.