Once again I feel drained, stupid and…oh hell, I can't think of the word. Last night…the dam broke I guess. I guess I am no longer an expert of hiding my feelings. When my mom and I went to the store–after I had been alone all day–she could tell I was struggling with something. I was trying to keep it inside…away from my parents. But when we got home and after dinner, my mom kept pressing me. My dad was in the room also (whenever it is me against the two of them, tension is high). I told them if they knew how I was feeling, they'd send me to the hospital (I guessI said the wrong thing). My dad jumped down my throat like he does 98 % of the time and my mom…she eventually lost her cool. I guess when tensions run high, I hide within myself and close down. I don't remember much of what was said. At one point, my mom told me to go down stairs to get away from her. I closed my laptop and obliged her. I climbed into my bed (the one place where solace can be found) and shut down completely: I closed out the world and everything in it. But I guess I had to prepare for one of them coming into my room. I knew one of them would. Again, I don't remember much of what was said. She wanted me to come back up stairs. I felt I had no choice. Eventually they cooled off…I can't say I feel any better. Actually I feel worse I suppose. All I seem to do is cause them pain, anguish and worry. I have come to the realization that I am a coward afraid of life, too weak to handle rough times and selfish for wanting to end my life. I can't say I feel like a weight has been lifted or tension has ceased…I am still berating myself for the pain I caused yesterday. I still feel depressed I guess and alone.


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