I exist in such terrible places.  Places that I have never been able to leave…  when I realize that I’ve gotten lost in a memory, or caught up in a recycled emotion, I try not to let myself linger.  I try to break free.  Sometimes, I even manage to get loose.  But, my mind wanders back, with or without my permission. 

I am so alone, right now.  I have no right to expect anything, of anyone, but I am so afraid of being abandoned.  Being left alone…  someone I love once told me that no matter what, he could never forget me.  I know no one wants to be forgotten, but being remembered doesn’t keep you warm at night. 

Neither do arms that won’t hold you…  or that can’t…

I am deteriorating.  Quickly…

The pictures I have been posting are from my most recent photo shoot.  That’s the only thing I seem to be getting right, lately.  Assuming my pictures are actually good, and that I am not just deluding myself. 

I very well could be, and it would not surprise me to discover that I am actually completely useless.  I always suspected that there was something seriously wrong with me.  When I realized that this Bipolar thing was for real, I thought, "maybe that’s it."  That thing I always knew was off about me…  but, in truth, I think it’s something deeper.  Not something that’s broken…  because it was never right or whole… 

It’s the space between what is, and what should be.  It’s something…  that can never be fixed.



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