I have been away from DT as I went to my mother's and stayed over a week. I never have time for DT when I am there. I feel pressure to get legal stuff done AND to visit with my mother. She is lonely and enjoys the time we have together, so I don't want to spend time on the computer taking away from her.

So much has happened and I am not doing that well.On the way back from Texas, the alternator went out on my late father's car. I was about 35 miles from home. Had to wait on a tow truck and my husband. But, I was OK. Breakdowns don't bother me. I had already started looking for a new (pre-owned) vehicle. But this is pushing it more. I had to go back to the town we left the car in to give them the keys. While there I went car shopping. I hate car shopping. I wish someone would just hand me some keys and say, "Here, take this one." My problem is that I cannot make up my mind. I am that way with almost everything I shop for. I can't just grab and go. I took months looking online for just the right lunchbox for my husband. He had had the "perfect one" but it wore out. Could not find that brand or kind again. So I searched and searched. My psychiatrist had a label to describe my behavior: "Just so." (And she placed her hands parallel and then moved 90 degrees to make a box). I have to have stuff perfect, or just so. She said I'd be better off with fewer choices, like at an old fashioned General Store: two lunch boxes to choose from. Pick one and go. But, no, I have the internet with limitless choices. Same with cars. I search online, I search while at Mom's, I search in nearby towns. Someone, just please tell me what to buy! I am afraid of buying the wrong thing and not having the vehicle that suits my needs. Or I am afraid of spending too much money. Don't you hate it when someone tells you you overpaid and got ripped off? (Happened with our first house. Rather than a co-worker being happy for me, he immediately said "That house isn't worth that much." I know I shouldn't have told him what we paid, but I figured it would be public record and in the paper in a couple of weeks). Back to the car. I need something that is comfortable as I travel to Mom's (400 miles away) once a month. I need to be able to pack the dog crates when I take them. (OK, I could just buy dog crates to keep there if I needed). But, I want to start participating in a ministry where Iwould cook food for 60-70 people at my church and thentransport it to New Orleans to serve in an open area where some homeless/underservedpeople congregate. So an SUV, truck or van would be needed to carry the catering hot-boxes. Trunk of a car will not do. Sometimes I think, just screw it and go get a Mustang, my all-time favorite car (I'd want a '64 or maybe early '70's but NOT the Mustang II). But that is not practical and deep down I am a practical person. I also have a price limit in my head. I cannot spend more than my husband spent on his pre-owned luxury car he bought last spring It is my limitation, not his. But Ihave always had the newer, nicer car. I want him to have that now, at least for a few more years. Since I only work part-time during the school year, I cannot justify in my mind spending so much money. I am not worthy of it. I do not deserve it.

My knee is not back to normal. The swelling has gone down, but it still hurts. I go back to the orthopedic surgeon tomorrow. I am afraid there is an MRI in my future. (Read $$$.Even with good insurance they cost a lot). So I am still hobbling around with a knee brace. This is going to mess up our wedding/Yellowstone vacation next month. We are going to Idaho Falls for my nephew's wedding. We are going to Yellowstone beforehand, but it looks like I will be sitting in the car as the others get out and walk to the geysers. That or I need to take a wheelchair.

AND there will be drama at the wedding. My sister in Idaho invited the sister who is on the outs with the rest of our family. She is not coming, but her daughter and new husband are. This is the niece who started the whole mess. Well, actually she is the one who brought it to a head. The situation with my older sister goes back years and years. It has been a pattern of abuse and using my parents. They only recognized or admitted it after their granddaughter told a bunch of lies to her mother (my sister). Great. She is going to be there. Another sister (there are 4 of us) had specifically asked if the offending sister and her family were coming. She said that she could not come if she or her family was there. The mother of the groom assured her that the offending sister would not be there. WRONG. As my husband put it, the only way to guarantee she won't come is to not invite her. I had already bought plane tickets for my daughter and her husband, my husband and me. Lucky for the sister near my mom, she had not done that yet. It is really a shame as these two are twins and the sister near my mom has been so good to the kids in Idaho. We think the niece is only going to stir up trouble as she has not had a relationshipwith the folks in Idaho for a long time. We are still going to the wedding, but I will skip the rehearsal dinner and will not help with pre-wedding stuff. I am showing up for the wedding at that is it. Although the mother of the groom did not tell me that the sister/her family would not be there, I was going off of what she told her twin. And she was aware Iwould have declined had I known they were coming. Anyway, not looking forward to the wedding and the vacation part isn't muchbetter with my bum knee. But I'll suck it up and be a big girl for the bride and groom and for my family so they can enjoy Yellowstone.

Enough griping for now. My mood has changed from sad blue to red angry. Don't know which is worse.