I am not sure why I feel the need to write this down, I just kind of want to get it off my chest is all I guess. This is probably going to get a bit personal, as a forewarning to anyone planning on continuing. Well, here we go I guess. So this weekend was Easter. A lot of people I knew from highschool were home to visit family. Quite a lot in fact, everyone ended up getting together for a big party Sunday night after everyone was done doing things with their family. Big shindig before everyone packed up and went home or back to college or whatever the next day. I got to see a lot of people I hadn’t seen in like 5 or 6 years. Time really goes by fast, it hardly seems like it was that long ago. Anyway, there was a lot of alcohol all over the place, and it had been awhile since I had gotten messed up, so I kicked back and had a few drinks, chatted with some girls I used to know; some I even had a history with. Got myself a little drunk. There was also a lot of pot circulating around. I’m not really one for smoking, so I declined to join in. But there was so much of it that the air was just thick with it. Everyone got a little high whether they meant to or not. So now I am a little high, and a little drunk, and chatting with this girl Nikki girl that I used to fool around with in highschool, and her younger sister Rachael, who I also kind of had a tiny bit of history with. Nikki was a little drunk, upset about some boyfriend from like a year ago, talking about how she’s been so lonely. Completely vulnerable. Then she started getting all sentimental and talking about ‘old times’, and getting cuddly with me. I was a bit messed up, my judgement was of course a little skewed, but I will admit I was pretty conscious of what I was doing. I was a little vulnerable too, been feeling lonely for awhile. So the three of us are sitting on a couch, Nikki is cuddled up to me, and then I don’t know exactly what or why, but Rachael was acting jealous and started cuddling up on the other side of me. I don’t think Rachael was drinking anything, but I am sure she must have been a little buzzed from all the pot. I think this would have been awkward if not for the fact that I know that both of them have dated the same guy at the same time before…not something I really understand, but who am I to judge. …and who am I to care when I am all messed up. One thing led to another and I end up in Nikki’s room having sex with Rachael watching. And then having sex with Rachael while Nikki watched. …this is not usually a general practice of mine. In fact, I’ve never done anything even remotely close. Sex is one thing, but I’ve always been in a serious committed relationship before hand. …I’ve never been one to just go out and ‘have some sex’. There’s always been some deeper feeling behind it than just lust and wanting to have sex. Almost feels wrong to just go and sleep with someone and not have it really mean anything. I mean I know people do it, I was just never one of them. I never tried it, never really cared to. I guess I was just usually always in a relationship that was providing me with I guess what I can only really say to be ‘meaningful sex’ where I cared deeply about the other person. Maybe I just never was in a position for need or want to just try to go out and have sex. I don’t know. Can’t really blame the drugs or alcohol, I was fully aware of my decisions, and even then I knew it wasn’t something I would normally do. …but I just didn’t care. Which admittedly that could have been the drugs or alcohol, the general apathy. Just not generally my style. Not something I would have done. But there I was, doing it. Don’t get me wrong, I have no regrets about it. I mean, for lack of a better way to put it, it was amazing. It was about as good as any sex I’d ever had, with both of them. And there was certainly the added bonus of having a third person kissing me or holding me from behind when I was being intimate with the other. It was sensual and erotic in a way I’d never experienced. Just, wow. And when it was all said and done with, I was in bed with two very beautiful girls draped around me as I fell asleep. Got up in the morning, Rachael got me a cup of coffee, and kissed me goodbye before I left. We didn’t really say much, any of us. It was better left unspoken maybe. I was going home to crash and sleep off the hang over I had woken up with, and the both of them were going to end up on a plane later that day to go back to California. Just really feel kind of weird now. Like I stepped out of my life, my life style, and stepped into someone else’s…and I just don’t know how to walk around in it. Had a taste of something very foreign to me, and even though yes I liked it, it’s very strange to me and doesn’t quite feel comfortable. I can’t wrap my head around the fact that I shared a very intimate experience with two people, and that’s just it. There isn’t anything beyond that, and there won’t be. My first one night stand I guess? Never thought I would be that person. Never really expected to ever be able to say I slept with someone just to sleep with someone. …always felt it would always be meaningful. I dunno, I certainly don’t regret it, and I probably would have done it the same if I had to do it over again. But it just doesn’t fit properly with the type of person I have always been. It’s almost like I feel bad for not feeling bad about it. Like how dare I just go out and do something like that! I should know better! But better than what? I didn’t do anything wrong. I’m a single guy with no obligations to anyone but himself, participating in consensual sex. That’s not a crime, it’s not wrong. So I am just feeling hard on myself because its just new and different, and it feels weird thinking like that, having a different perspective or broader horizon. I guess all I can really say for myself is that, I had a really good time. It was a fun time, I saw a lot of old friends that I probably won’t see again for some time. I spent the evening with two amazing women from my past, talking about anything and everything …and then I had a very spontaneous sexual encounter with two of them at the same time. And I really really enjoyed myself …even if I don’t really think it’s the kind of lifestyle for me. I did it, I am not sorry that I did it. In a way I guess I am greatful for it, for the experience. That part of me that yerns for something more though just isn’t quite as happy as the rest of me. Because there won’t be any phone calls later. No emails. No talk of getting coffee, or dinner. No seeing a movie or taking in a play. No walks down to the beach, or around the park, or a peaceful stroll through a neighborhood. No dates, no expectations. Nothing. There’s just nothing but the memory of the night. It’s over and done with, and we’ve parted and gone our seperate ways. Who knows when the next time we may see each other may be. And deep inside me, I hunger for there to be something more than just that. Just a silent goodbye, and wondering what the next day might bring.

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