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Pug’s here, but he’s very distant.  Quinn’s brother stopped by.  That might have had something to do with it.  But, that was just business, and we didn’t talk about Quinn, at all.  I can’t help that I miss Quinn, as a friend, but I’m not talking to him.  I want to save my marriage.  But, I may be alone in that desire.  My Pug is so special, and so beautiful, and he’s the love of my life.  I’m not ready to let him go.  And, given that he’s still here, and that he holds me every night, in bed, I think he still wants to be with me, too.  I know he loves me.  But, he’s hurt, and angry, and he’s not expressing any of it.  He’s like that.  He holds it all in, until he snaps.  Never violently…  he’s a very gentle person.  He’s even been kind to me these last three weeks, since he found out about Quinn, but I don’t know if he’ll ever want me, again.  He said, that day, that he had no desire left for me.  I know people say things when they’re angry, but all I could think was…

didn’t you lose your desire for me a long time ago?  Wasn’t that part of the problem?

He’d never reach for me.  And, I’d feel so ugly, and unwanted.  Then, one day, my best friend seemed to really want me, and need me.  I ignored it, for a while, but…  it’s really hard, when the one you love and want doesn’t seem to feel any passion for you, and someone else does.  Doesn’t everyone want to feel needed?  I know I wouldn’t have done it if I weren’t so mercurial and nutty.  My impulsiveness…  my hypersexuality…  and, generally shitty judgement…

I never wanted to hurt anyone.  Least of all my husband…

Now, Pug loses Quinn’s friendship, Quinn loses Pug, and I get to lose them both.  Quinn’s already gone, because I’m trying to save my marriage.  But, that may just consist of losing my husband more slowly than I otherwise would.  I may have gone so far, this time, that he can’t ever feel the same about me.

And, to Morningstar:  thanks for accepting my friend request.  You seem really cool.  I hope we can chat sometime soon.

– Kit

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