I've had an unpleasant thought. What if I'm just a failed replacement for my sister who died before me shortly after birth? Mom has said she's never been the same since. It feels kind of sad that after such a loss, the fact that I lived wasn't able to fix it. They had to go out of their way to have me, but I wasn't able to give them their joy back. I grew up, raised by the most unmotivated, procrastinating people I've ever known. The horror of it is that their personality has rubbed off on me. Sure they "protected" me. Kept me out of school so I never got to learn social skills or have many friends or other normal experiences other children had, out of fear that someone might bring a gun to school. They gave me food and shelter, but that's about it. I realize that's what they're still doing. They want me alive, but they don't want to be involved in my life. They just force this life on me that I never asked for. At any given time, even in the better moments, I wish I had never existed. Life is a curse, full of pain and sadness and the horrible feeling that things will never get better. Why didn't they raise me right? What kind of parents lettheir child just not do their school work, because the child isn't motivated and can't focus? Why did they let me be depressed for so long? Why didn't they ever encourage me to make a plan for my future or to make friends? I'm so lost now. I have no idea what I'm doing with my life. I really need some support. I need someone to encourage me and help me come up with ideas and be there for me, but there is no one. She tells me to make a list of things I'm interested in and think of places I could work that are related, but if I could think of that, I wouldn't be stuck in this mess, would I? There is nothing I want to do. Nothing but something related to music, and I just can't do that. There is nothing else. I don't have that passion for life. They send me off for therapy, hoping that will fix my problems. I've told her how it hurts when they come home and don't even say hi or goodbye when they're leaving. She says things will change, that we'll go to the movies. Nothing changes. Still just getting out of the house only for therapy and getting groceries. Just to keep me alive. That's all they want. I am so lost and so alone. I need someone to pick me up, but there's no one. I just wish I never existed. I wish I could cease to exist right now. No one would miss me then. I'm so tired of just being some kind of pet. That's what I feel like.
I'm tired of getting older and older as every day and month passes and nothing changes. It's like just waiting to get old and die. I'm left to figure all this out on my own, but I just have no idea what to do. I want to escape my own mind, but there is no escape. It's tormenting me from the inside.
I never hear back about my applications, and I don't know where else to try. Maybe if I got out of the house once in a while, I'd get some ideas, but that doesn't happen. Funny how I can hate something about my life and still not have the motivation to change it. What's is wrong with me? I feel like such a failure.