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So access to WiFi at my remote home rescinded (password withheld by carer) meaning no internet access except thru mobile phone data connection which is intermittent at best and extremely fiddly at worst – the screen is too small and my tech skills even smaller, which leads to frustration and ultimately my giving up on D.T EXCEPT today…I'm so low from lack of contact I need to share And here I am, sharing – thanks to you for taking the time to read this.I feel hopeless, worthless,utterly devoid of energy (23 hours a day in bed) or intention (my room is a big mess – not dirty, just everything piled up everywhere) and my mood rock bottom! This is not an unknown state for me tho it has been a while since I felt this down, however the belief that I have ruined my carer's life as a result of my mental state and associated laziness is starting to take hold. The more you hear something, the more you take it on and this is not a new concept to me, in fact I've been hearing it for several years now whether feeling well or ill. It seems that the less I interact with the world the better he likes it and the less I like myself or my life.I have been avoiding negative thoughts about others, with particular care concerning him but I find myself at a loss when it comes to actually doing anything each day. I just can't be bothered…My daughter is visiting from overseas at Christmas and I am definitely going to be there to meet her so apart from one last slip with my meds last Easter, suicide is out forever. I will not kill my daughter's mother (as my own did). I want to love her for as many years as I'm given on this earth. Self harm however is my weakness and standard go to for relief. I'm desperately seeking something to lift me out of this funk. I know only I can make my life a happy one but how? Running away is not a mature option and it will leave my long suffering carer financially worse off but given the parent-child dynamic here it is all I dream of… getting away, being free to express myself to OTHERS, to dress how and go where I choose, to be me, however flawed without the constant commentary and put downs….

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