I think I’m feeling a bit put off or put out today; however you want to word it.  I’m just a bit disgruntled about all the "high and mighties" that run around saying, "you don’t need meds.  just get off that stuff.  get out of the house, exercise, get active".  Ha!  Been there, done that and it doesn’t work.  Don’t make me feel weak because I take meds to help stabilize my moods.  you don’t know anything about me but you decide to dispense your "just get over it" advice.  Don’t you think I would if I could?  Do you think I like being in this place and feeling like this?  Oh yea, it’s the highlight of my life to say the least!  I love not being able to function for the fog over my brain, the soreness in my muscles and joints, the tiredness that won’t cease.  Oh yea, it’s a fantastic feeling that I just revel in.  I love the fact that I’ve essentially become a hermit and pushed everyone away save my immediate family.  I drown myself in the thoughts running through my head of being worthless and no good in everything I do; feeling a failure for missing the simplest of things or being unable to complete the most simple of tasks. 

Yup, this is who I dreamed I would be one day.  This is the best I ever pictured for myself and all that I wanted out of life.  And here I am.  I should be so proud!

It’s ridiculous really, but the anger is good.  It’s healing and healthy and really does motivate one, or at least me.  I am not weak, nor am I ashamed that I take meds to help get me through this mess.  My body has turned on itself and attacks at various times.  I don’t know when it will happen, but it will happen and the meds help to lessen the side effects of that time.  And I also know that since I’ve taken an increase, I am out of the hole and able to function and be motivated to get things done and be active.  So are the meds so bad that they helped to get me to where I am now?  Oh no, not at all.  They are very helpful in the times when there is nothing to occupy the mind.  My one true diversion and escape from the dark, occupying the mind, but some days that is almost impossible and all I would do is sit in front of the boob tube and lose myself.  But for the meds which activate whatever chemical is needed to keep me moving, I am glad.  I do not want to be that unmotivated blob anymore.  I have too much to do and more I want to do.

Of course I hope some day I will not need the meds anymore, but until that time, do not try to make me feel weak for needing extra help to get me through to that day.


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