Now what?

 
So I'm starting this blog becos I'm going to be getting a divorce.
Of course there is a longstory behind what I'm gna write. But right now I want to talk about what is curently happening.
The other night I lost my mind and told my wife I didn't want to be with her anymore. I watched her cry. I wanted to say I love you but I was so angry about all the prosituting, drug, alcohol, etc. I just wanted you to tell me it would be alright. I thought I could control it, change it, stop it. But I was so angry. I just wanted a break not a break-up.
We just moved back from las Vegas 6 days ago and started school immediatly. I was in heaven. Thespinning of the previous weeks move was going away. I was falling in love with my wife all over again. We say to each other, " we've been to hell and back baby!" it was a hard road keeping is relationship afloat. And now we finally made it home. And with school starting it finally felt right.
Then, I snapped.
I demanded that she take me home and and give back the wedding jewelry. She had it ready in her pokect. Then whole ride there we didn't say anything. She would even ack me when I spoke to her. I was spinning out of control and she wasn't trying to pull me out. She was sick of it and wanted out. This isnt the first time I've done this to her. It's part of my depression cycle. I get things perfect and everyones happy and then I screw thngs up. Everytime. I married my wife because she was the only person who under stood my depression. She suffers from alcoholism and parent issues. But as a spouse to someone with any of these disorders it's hard not to have scars from their battles. I have scarred my wife physically and emotionally. And she has me. Sometimes we have dreams about the bad things we've done to each other and it affects us all day. So we have to been more sensitive to each others feelings when we re in the dumps. It starts out as," I need some love and assurance" and weeks later develops in to," you dont love me any more."
I do love you. Hopefully I've been a better and better husband. I still haveto deal with my depression and take meds again. I need you stand by me during this and not ignor me when I'm tellng you I'm not feeling well.
2 Comments
  1. snowdreamer 10 years ago

    I do hope she listens and supports you again and you supporting her, it's a long road, a long hard road but yes do the meds again, feel a little better and maybe she will consider a doc and meds too and then maybe the both of you can again support and love.

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  2. wespinwax 10 years ago

    thanks for your kind words.

    right now she wont even answer my phone or texts.  she said that she is really broken over this.  that she can take a lot but not the breaking up all the time..

    Before all our therapy and meds we used to be vey abusive.  now all the physical stuff is gone.  we have to work on our words.

    thanks again.

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