I decided today that I need to reach out and try to find people like me. In my daily life I do not have a friend that can relate to me and understand the struggles that I encounter just to function as a member of society. I hope that can change here.
Lately I have been at my worst I think I have ever been in my life. I quit taking sertraline (Zoloft) about 7 months ago. The decision was made after my Rx ran out and I thought why refill it? I had been questioning its affects on my body daily because I was feeling down more than usual and the side effects were torturing me. I had been on sertraline since I was 10 or 11.
I am a big believer in natural remedies and so I thought I was ready to tackle this depression without medication. I did it all wrong though. I quite cold turkey and I did not consult a doctor. I did do pretty well for about 2 months though. The side effects went away (some I didn't know I had) and I was relatively happy (or at least not feeling any worse). Then about 1.5 -2 months after I had extreme anxiety. I didn't even know I had anxiety until I went off the meds. It got to the point where my skin would become itchy because I how anxious I was. Now my anxiety has moved its way to my kidneys and abdomen though I no longer have itchy skin.
Anyway, my depression slowly crept up on me. I didn't know how bad it was until I starting dating a guy that I truly truly love 3 months ago. I was getting worse but the pressures of the relationship made the depression explode. I was so happy about the relationship but when something happened that may cause a healthy person to get a little upset or want to have a conversation I would blow a gasket.
Currently I am still in this relationship. He is the man I have been looking for (successful, smart, attractive, funny, etc.) but he can barely take it any longer and I cannot blame him. He has a Master's degree and is very successful and has ambitions greater than I could ever imagine. He has told his family about me (something Indians rarely do unless the relationship is serious) with the intention to let them know to stop looking for girls for him to marry (traditional Indian thing to do) and that he wants to be with me for the rest of his life.
I know this relationship sounds pretty intense for the short time we have been dating and it really is. It took us both by surprise. He has been in 2 long-term relationships, one 7 years, one 2 years (he is 29) and he has never told his parents about them. Granted his parents just started actively seeking out wives in the past 3 years but it really attests to the seriousness of the relationship. He tells me he loves me and I believe him; unless I am having an episode.
I cannot let my depression ruin this relationship. I have moved in with him (he owns his own home) but I cannot accept the fact that he wants me here. It's like my brain is in self-destruct mode. He is currently questioning if I am what he wants in life. I have made it get to the point where he told me this morning "I think I love you". I cannot be angry at him. I really cannot. Now I am handling his comment better that I would have 2 weeks ago because I have started on Wellbutrin. I believe that this has helped a bit but it still hasn't kicked in full-gear.
I just don't want to lose the one thing in life that truly makes me happy. I want to wake up and not feel like going back to sleep because I cannot face society. I am tired of fighting the feeling to kill myself. I think I have gotten to the point where I won't kill myself, but the disturbing thoughts still skip through my mind.