I'm having a difficult time finding peace this morning. I just feel wearied to the bone, washed out like a ghost and full of tears yet to be cried. I know our loss of my Uncle is part of the depression I'm fighting ~ but it made what I was already dealing with so much worse. I know he's happy and in a good place with his family that had passed before him, and I know that I'll get to see him again. Something about the finality of mortality has gotten under my skin or death in general. I don't know how to separate the grieving process from my own illness. Everything sad triggers it; the lump in my throat becomes huge, my eyes spill over with tears and I weep for awhile.

I am so lostabout what I'm supposed to do with myself. The clicking of the clock bothers me greatly and reminds me of how fast time does go. How long until I lose my Mom, or my Aunt, or even my Dad? How long before it's my turn to face the end of this life?

What is it that I'm here to accomplish? I wish I knew for certain.

The life I thought I was supposed to lead is gone. I changed paths a long time ago. I don't know who I am anymore. I know WHAT I am ~ a Mom, a wife, a caretakerof animals, a musician and artist, a person with Bipolar disorder. But who? I don't know know who "Keya" really is. And I'm not sure I know how to find out. Every one of those things that I am are like cables of steel wrapped around my wrists, tying me to the ground. The dedication and requirement of the first two (mother and wife) are staggering in the weight of responsibility they come with.

I know they are also some of the greatest gifts I have ever been given.

I'mglad I go see my therapist tonight.I need to talk about how I feel with her. My depression has thickened so much that I feel like I can'tmove. Thursday I also go see my psychiatrist and maybe he'll change my meds around or up them. I don't know ~ something has tochange.

Time now to do something useful I guess. If I can convince myselfto do something after another cup of coffee.

I hope allmyfriends are well. ((HUGS))

1 Comment
  1. soggymoggy 10 years ago

     There's nothing quite like a cup of tea or coffee when we're down. You are dealing with the loss of someone close and that naturally brings up thoughts of why we are here and what happens when we pass…I believe we are here for a reason and that there is something else when we cross over. You are more than all the sum of your parts, mom, wife etc…and you are perfect and loveable and right now you are hurting, but it is not your fault. Good luck with your meds…hang in there! Remember your family needs you and will anchor you. Hugs.

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