I am feeling pretty anxious right now and a lot has to do with what I did Saturday night. At 8pm, one of my young neighbors that I had gone out dancing with in November (when I ended up in the hospital for overdosing) came to my door and invited me to a party they were having.

I decided to go because I thought I would feel depressed watching tv alone, while 50 people were partying right outside my window.

While I was getting ready, I could already hear a bunch of people whooing and screaming and loud music playing. I was pretty nervous, so I quickly had a glass of wine.

I went over to the party around 10. I had my dog, Riley in one arm and a bottle of vodka and beer in the other. I handed them the alcohol and then went and got myself some horrible, warm sangria.

I drank it quickly and pretty much stood there paralized with fear and unable to have a conversation with anyone. It was a beach party, and so most people were half naked. The 20 year olds were already wasted and dancing and talking about how this was the first time they had gotten drunk. I felt old, fat and insecure. I was sweating and trembling and so I went outside to get some air. I went back to my house where I tried to breathe and calm myself down. I poured myself another cocktail in a gigantic cup.

A while later, I started talking to people that were outside in my yard. They loved my lights and decorations and told me it was "magical". Soon lots of people were hanging out in front of my house and using my patio chairs and table. I started to feel more confident and happy and loved hearing people say how nice and awesome I was. I started mixing drinks and putting leis around peoples necks and handing out goodie bags that I had leftover from my tiki party. Everyone was loving it.

Unfortunetly, a guy showed up that looked into my house and commented on how messy it was and how my garbage smelled bad. When he left , I couldnt help but call him a douche bag to the people that were around me, who knows, they could have been best friends. As I drank more I went up to him telling him he was mean and needed to get the stick out of his ass.

I then found myself telling people about the last time I hung out with my neighbors. A bunch of times I went up to a girl that went out with us that night and kept apologizing for my past behavior. She wouldnt look at me or talk to me, I thought it was because she hated me, but maybe it wasnt even her or I was calling her by the wrong name.

I did have some good conversations and had fun dancing, but by 3 in the morning things were pretty hazy and I can only remember things in a blur. Somehow I ended up making out with one of my new neighbors until I realized that he had a girlfriend and I was pretty sure I had met her earlier in the night. An hour later, the guy was still trying to kiss me and I figured that he was so drunk that he just didn't know what he was doing. I helped him to bed and right when his head hit the pillow, he started snoring. I went home, ate leftover Indian food and went to bed too.

I cant help but keep rehashing the night and thinking how they must all hate me. Im so embarrassed that I made out with a guy with a girlfriend and that if I see him, will I even recognize him?

I had the worst hangover yesterday and didn't leave my bed. I made it to work today, but cant seem to get rid of this anxiety. I hate not remembering everything and Ive been having such vivid dreams lately, Im not sure whats real and whats a dream.

Well, that's it. Im not sure if it would have been better to stay in and to hear them partying in my yard until 4 in the morning or if it was better to party with them until 4 in the morning. I guess I will never know.

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