i'm a first time user of forums and blogs. i turn to the internet cause its my last option. i am in a deep depresion (self diagnosted due to lack of money for a real consult) for the last 2 years now…. i have reached the end of my rope . i even tried suicide yet i fail even at that the damn chain broke and i threw up the pills in my sleep. why have i reached this point u may ask…. it started 6 years ago. i dropped out of college due to lack of funds. my mom split and i got notified via sms i aint coming back in the same night i got dummped by my first love. it took a big toll. after that i couldnt stay in a relationship for more than 5 months. either i started sabbotaging them either unforseen circumstances. i went through a period of manwhoring if u will. and i felt a big emptiness inside. however a girl came along that saved me from that emptiness. but she had a "problem". a boyfriend. i said we wont do nothing until she is single, yet i couldnt keep to it . and so we started an affair. it was magnificent , but i wanted more. and i tought she did as well. until he found out. and since then a big triangle was formed. she was with me for a time then went back to him. then back to me so on so forth. and this thing is going on for 2 years now. i am incapable of letting go. she is exactly like my mom and although i was 20 at the time my mom split i still needed her. i was a late bloomer. i cant let go of this girl. i told her everything. how she makes me feel what she means to me i did everything in my power . we even split for good. or so i thought . we always got to talking again because my hope was that this is the time things go my way. it never did . i've gone through hell for this girl and i would go on if i was certain she would be my forever at the end of this hell. and lattely i started working for my own cash. the minimum per economy wich is like 150 euros or 200 dollars in my country. and now my father is unemployed. i got to keep the money coming in and yet i am overwhelmed by everything. all my friends abandoned my due to my negativity these 2 years and i cant blame them. all i could do is talk about her, whine , complain. i dont talk with my mom , i cant talk with my dad.

can anyone give a good advice?preferably someone who went through the same thing. and please no generalities or life gets better like stuff. i've heard it all before and it aint true.

p.s. this is more like a summary of the my depression not the whole depth of it