so, i rlly dont know what to do. ocd is just ocd at its core, but somethings rlly wrong with me. maybe it is just ocd but it has to be like the worst case of ocd in existance, liek super super super ulta mega steroids. and im not ssaying that and exxagerating it, i feel liek everyoen thinks im exxagerating when im not at all. i cant think a single thought without ocd, which i can handle, thats on a normal baasis for me im fine with that, well not fine but i can live through it, somethings really really wrong, like really wrong, and ik this iss a normal feeling with ocd, to feel liek youre goign insane but you never truly do, but no i actually feel myself like, moreso than ever, like not just ocd moreso liek idek somethings wrong, seeping into some kinda horrific state that its getting hrder and harder to return from, every obsession, becaomes real, not liek a normal ocd becoems real like my perception on everything becomes f'ed up and idek this post is probably pointless. all ik is that im beyond a critical state, im like, abotu to explode nuclearly, and if i go to the er theyll just send me to the stupid psychiatric hospital againw hich wont do shit cuz i need something to do something to the chemicals in my brain, which talking wwill not accomplish. im not choosing not to live, to not fight, to give up, im being smothered, raped, destroyed, whatever word youc an think of im being slaughtered, i need hellp, like the now kinda help not in 5 minutes liek right now, i told my mom she said idk what else we can do im taking you to therapy you know whatll happen if we goo to the hospital but im out of time, like WAAAY out of time, i dont think i know this is the end of the line, its act now or face eternal suffering, idek if il lbe able to off myself to save myself from it anymore which is even worse i cant do this and i dont know what to do. if i turn to my therapist im probably going to the psyche hospital, same if i go to the er, doesnt matter what i think even tho im the patient apparently doctors in their minds are some kinda self-proclaimed gods and know whats best, im not gonna be ok, i need help NOW. my mom just said idk what you wwant me to do and when i expressed this to my theraapist if eel she doesnt grasp quite how intense it is and urgent and she said i need to talk to the psychiatrist with my mom, i dont got time for that, and shes stubbron as hell too wont listeen to me, if anything give me some klonopin, like, now, oh God i dotn want to lose everything i dont want my life to end can someone just hold me till its over hold me and never let go if i lose my mind just hold me dont ever let me go please just idk whay im even posting this here im jut gonna worry everyoen and there isnt much anyone can do but… i cant do this. if anything i need to talk to someone right now, i dont wanan talk to some suicide hotline, i just want someone to try to comfort me while it happens, please idek what it is thats going to happen but i rlly need help, i cant even sleep, it follows me, im obsessing and compulsing in my dreams every time i go to sleep, and i wake up to obsessing and compulsing usually before i even open my eyes, id pay someone to kill me right now, please. ik youre not supposed to post suicidal thingso n here, ik it isnt right to put that on anyone, at all, leeast of al lstrangers over the internet but, i rlly dont wnt to but i feel i have to liek rlly bad find someway to off myself like now or otherwise im fucked forever. theres a slim chancde ill be ok if i off myself, if hell turns out to not exist or not be as bad, but i feel there isnt a chance in staying alive, even posting that my ocd kicks up worryign that if there was a chance because i said that there isnt now. i want to relax and try to calm down but if i let my guard down aat all if i try to its gonna hit harder i cant willingly let this thing make me suffer more no it isnt a matter of exposure and itll ge tbetter i let it in im done for right now. and i have a stupid reassurance seeking ritual question, but do you guys think that itll all be ok still? do you think no matter what it feels liek now itll be ok? i havent been diagnosed with anything other than ocd but it feels so much worse than ever before. i know its bad to seek reassurance but i rlly need to know im gonna be ok cuz, i dont wanna face this alone i dont want to im scared and i dont want to stop talkign as soon as i go into my head its hard to get out, i hate it there it tortures me, anyways do you think itll be ok? there isnt much i can do but i guess im asking do you think even if the obsessions feel beyond real and feel super permanent do you thin kthey will always fade, that no matter wat happens right now it will never be too late to be fixed? 

1 Comment
  1. Mentally_Scorn 7 years ago

    update: im more or less (a lot less i would say) ok now, calm anyways, feels like i cant see aanything im seeing and im terrified i wont be ok but, trying my best to relax atm anyways. also worried that i cant see my video games on my laptop or anywhere right like i wont be able to register whats happening in them cuz i couldnt decide if there hould be a period at the end of this post well when i said the word “anyways” or not. when these thigns happen hey feel like they are really happening, and i cant handle the feeling well, whatsoever, most of the time. im rlly worried and i dont even wanan ay what about again for the fear itll make it true, even saying that i fear that i just made it true 🙁 screw it, ill say it then, im worrieed i wont get better now because i just said that, im worried it now became impossible because i said that

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