I used to be terrified of change when I was school aged. I think my wish for change to stop occurring has come true. And with that has come a new kind of hell. I am pretty sure I have not changed in the past ten years. I am still antisocial, I am still pessimistic and I am still dependent on medication to find even a sliver of hope each day to keep me alive.
I know I have said this before but even in my imagination I no longer can picture a happy ending or even a reason to live my life to the fullest until my time is up…whether there is a higher power or not.
How the heck am I supposed to tell my psychologist what is going through my head? The hospital will do nothing but add more financial strain and put a burden on my parents because one of our dogs has to be let out to use the bathroom. And not to mention the hospitals around me are not equippedto handle mental illness. The hospitals near me are more geared towards those struggling with addictions.
I am so wound up and at a loss as to a solution–that would benefit other and myself and not just me…I wish I could just cryand scream until there is nothing left!! Maybe then I would feel cleansed in a sense and know what if feels like to relax for once!! I think the coping mechanism I have built–shutting off my emotions–has made it very difficult to let go enough to let the tears fall and to let the walls down…
I wonder if I knew a fool proof way to end my life would I take it? Is it the small chance I may fail keeping me from attempting anything or is it a wavering belief that there is a more intense form of hell? I'm seriously beginning to think 'Hope' is something for kids, much like the belief in Santa, the Easter bunny and the Tooth Fairy.
-
Seeking Help.
blvrrifxce, , Depression, Anxiety, Depression, Therapist, 0
I know I should get professional help for the problems I face regarding my mental health but I just...
-
30 years together
TessErin, , Depression, Anxiety, Child, Depression, Parenting, Relationships, Religion, Therapist, 0
My parents are going on a mini vacation to celebrate their 30th anniversary. The actual anniversary isn't until the...
-
Peace and Light
sadviolinist, , Depression, Anger, Depression, Grief, Psychosis, Schizophrenia, Sexual Abuse, Sleep Disorders, Therapist, 1
Okay, I think I'm over my little snit about my diagnosis now. At first when I read it I...
-
It's too hot and I'm too tired again.
Ghostgirl, , Depression, Sleep Disorders, 1
I made the mistake of staying up way too late last night reading. At least you could consider that...
-
11/19/20
westcoastapples, , Anxiety, Depression, Career, Therapy, 1
My stepdad tested positive for COVID-19 a few days ago, and I’m 95% sure I got it from him,...
-
Worries of An Exhausted Princess
AlyRoo, , Depression, Anger, Anxiety, Child, Depression, 1
I get so frustrated some days.Trying to get someone to understand your depression.. and how to truly help.. is...
-
What’s the point of even living?
NotShyy, , Depression, Anxiety, Bipolar, Depression, Medication, Suicide, Therapist, Therapy, 2
I was recently diagnosed with bipolar disorder 6 months ago, and it has been the hardest months of my...
-
I Guess What They Say is Really True
springrose315, , Depression, 0
How am I supposed to stand my someone else If I cannot even stand by myself. How am I...