To Whom it May Concern:
First, please let me apologize for the ranting below. Feel free to comment if you wish, but I am certainly not looking for sympathy or anything. Just a safe place to vent. Also, there is talk of some triggering topics, so please be mindful of your own needs. Take care of yourselves, my loves.
I am numb. I don’t even feel sad anymore. This depression has become so ingrained in me that I no longer feel its presence. I have become so numb, that they only way I have found to cope is through self-harm. I have been cutting since I was a Junior in high school (I am a junior in college now…) and it is something that I can always count on. However, I have been doing it for so long now that it does not help me through this numbness anymore. I do not *feel* numb…I am numb. It is no longer a feeling, but just who I am now.
My goal going into college was to get a degree in Psychology so I could become the therapist that I never had, yet always needed. One who was just empathetic enough to make me feel like I have some self-worth. I have yet to find one…However, I don’t think I will be able to save anyone else if I can’t save myself. I am taking all my medications and talking to all the people I am supposed to, but I feel like I am just going through the motions. I feel almost like a zombie.
I’m not looking for advice or sympathy. I just needed a safe place to talk. You are more than welcome to friend request me or send me a message if you want to talk. I know what it is like to feel worthless. To not want to wake up in the morning. Please know how much I love you. You are significant. You matter. If you made it to the end, thank you for sticking with my ranting.
Thank you for sharing. I hope you stick to your goal to be a therapist. One challenge as a therapist might be to protect yourself from becoming emotionally involved with clients. I can imagine it can be painful for that to happen or to forget your own life challenges trying to help others.
I think you are right about finding compassion for your self before you can help someone else. It sounds like you have lost compassion for yourself. As I get older I find myself thinking of how my core essence and identity has remained the same throughout my life but that there has also been constant change. I think growth is the most important aspect of life and has many facets. I hope you can escape the numbness in a positive way and continue to grow, change and stay true to your own core self.
Thank you for the love and encouragement. It means more than you know! ❤
***hugs***
cheyberry, thank you for sharing this part of your story. You’re absolutely right: it is hard to find an empathetic professional who is genuinely trying to help patients be better versions of themselves. Most of the time, it seems to only be more of a racket–another way to get people to fork out more funds, while the patients continue suffering–or worse. i’m proud of you for the goal you’ve set for yourself. Obviously, that takes a lot of work, in itself, so please just don’t give up on yourself. Numbness, at times, can be a survival tool….So many of us know that one, all too well….. YOU matter!!!! YOU need to know that, too! Good luck!
Thank you
I also have a dream of becoming a therapist because of the struggles I’ve been through.
good luck!