I feel numb. I should feel nothing but joy. Thenightmare we have lived withfor thelast year is finally over. Not to mention the beautiful new addition to our family.So why numb?Hubby was proven innocent of the molestation my eldest claimed. Ittook him passing two pollygraphs, a penile test, and a psych evaluation. CSD came to the hospital the day after our fourth child was born May 27th to tell us that they were sorry to have put him through all of it but that it is rare indeed to have someone proven innocent. They dropped the case and would be stepping out of our lives. He was allowed to come home for good. We had a healthy beautiful baby girl. She was six pounds and twelve ounces, dark hair, and chubby cheeks. she was perfect. I had been so scared through out my pregnancy because i had not been able to come off my bipolar meds. She wasjust fine. And now daddy could be home to be a part of her life.I graduated from college June 6thand gained my certification. It was a struggle with everything going wrong this last year but i did it.So I should be over joyed right now. I keep telling myself its lack of sleep but what do I know.
Maybe its all the worry over my eldest daughter. The kids and I went to see her two weeks ago. She admitted to smoking pot and cigerettes and proceeded to smoke one in front of me. She said her dad didnt care as long as she didnt advertise it to everyone. Come to find out her step mom smokes pot with her.She is only sixteen. I sat there having no idea how to handle the whole situation. She failed out of school this year and refused to make it up with summer school. She laghed when she told me she had been suspended twice. I tried to talk to her about the dangers of everything she is doing but she just cut me off and said everything was fine. She had been cutting on herself so I knew it wasnt fine. I tried to give her ideas to try instead of cutting but once again i might as well been talking to the trees. She admitted that her tdoc thinks she might be bipolar. I treid to explain to her that its not the end of the world. It can be managed and you can be stable.I told to look at me. I am have been stable. I dont know if I got through to her. I just dont know how to be her mom anymore. I fight with my husband every time he finds out ive gone to see her or talked to her on the phone. I dont sneak around about it but sometimes its not worth it. I did have to explain to Meshayla that because of her false claims things between us will never be the same. She can never come home. That if Jimmy had his way she would never be a part of the kids lives.I told her i still loved her even though she had made things so hard for us. I felt horrible. I just knew i had lost her for good and she would never speak to me again. yet she called yesterday and acted like nothing had happened. She wanted to tell me that she had met a girl she really liked and had made out with her. Now her dad is making fun of her and calling her a lesbo. I tried to tell her to talk to him and tell him how it makes her feel. She jsut kept telling me she would explode if it didnt stop. She also asked me to help her get on birth control. I am glad she felt she could be so open with me but full of confusion on how to handle the things that worry me.So here i sit feeling numb.Maybe it is the lack of sleep. I just dont know.