I don’t know how to describe myself, honestly. Sometimes I feel like I’m multiple people and I need to choose who to be in each situation I find myself in. I don’t have multiple personalities. I know that for a fact because I’m aware of my personality changes and they are all a part of me. So, below I will list each one and describe what they are like.

Emo or Goth me- Dark, depressing, likes horror, death, and all creepy things that make others cringe. Really into hauntings and ghost stories, love to wander around graveyards (the older the better) and loves anything vampire related.

Silly, goofy, comedian me- This me smiles a lot, tells jokes, is bright and happy and loves to help people. This one is mostly seen at work or when taking care of someone such as my mother or my daughter.

Bad ass me-  This me gets angry quickly and becomes defensive. Usually this one is seen when someone is mean to me or disrespects me in some way. This one got me arrested more than once because this one can’t keep her mouth shut. This one is not actually violent but she cusses a lot, make snide comments, and won’t back down from a fight. This one can be really mean if she gets too heated.

Mother me- This me is kind and loving but can be strict. She gets things done, is task oriented, responsible, tactful, and understanding. She listens and helps when she can, offers advice when needed, and is more on the serious, no-nonsense side.

Melancholic me– This me is self-conscious, thinks everyone hates her, no one respects her, and wonders why she isn’t liked when she goes out of her way to help others. This me never thinks she’s good enough and she cares (maybe too much) what others think of her. She tries so hard to be “better”, to be noticed, and wants to earn praise but is let down when she gets even the slightest negative reaction, such as being reprimanded at work. She feels unloved and invisible and this one makes day to day life very difficult. But, one positive reaction from someone else can make her flip into silly goofy me.

All of these “Me’s” work in tandem to get me through the day. When I’m with friends or family I don’t really worry about which me I slip into but at work, I try to stick with a combination of silly goofy me and mother me. I want to stay focused on my job yet be bright, cheerful and helpful. I work in customer service so it’s a must that I smile, be helpful, and stay on track with my work.  The problem is, sometimes I get too goofy or silly, make too many or inappropriate jokes that make me look dumb. Inappropriate as in silly when I should be serious, not dirty or sexual or anything like that. It’s just, sometimes I feel like people look at me as an idiot or I just feel overlooked and like I don’t belong. I want to be more serious, more like the mother me. When I start to feel this way the Melancholic me comes out and I hate it. This me starts crying over nothing, calls off work all the time, and has even walked out of jobs, or just never gone back and that is a huge problem. I don’t want to be that ME anymore. I just don’t know how to stop doing things that make others think I’m weird or incapable of doing my job.

I love my job. I love my coworkers. I’ve made friends and have been more social than I’ve been in years. I even went to a cook out the other day and it feels so good. I’m just so scared of doing something to mess it all up and lose this job. It’;s a great job. It pays well, the management really cares about their employees and its something that I love doing. Which is odd really because I have horrible social anxiety, I don’t like being in large groups, and rarely go out anywhere or do anything other than stay at home where it’s safe. But, I find myself enjoying the interaction with customers, and I love when I get positive praise. It makes me feel so good when I know that someone is happy with my work.

I just wish I knew how to get rid of the melancholy me and start seeing my own self worth. I can tell myself forever and over again that I’m over thinking things, that my thoughts are intrusive and wrong but it doesn’t stop me from feeling like a total failure when I’m in this mood.