I had a ridiculous evening. I felt rather hungry, but it was after one in the morning, and I didn’t want to eat because . . . I felt that it was going to trigger a binge-purge ordeal. . . I figured . . . okay, I’ll have a cigarette instead.
I snuck out-side and did such. . . Then I climbed up-stairs, feeling just absolutely horrid. I lied down with my head spinning, I was sweating, and my stomach started feeling ill. As I lied there in such discomfort, I tried thinking as to why in the world I even started smoking again to begin with. Did I really “need” it? No. . . I wanted it, but I didn’t need it. When I bought the pack I even questioned myself if it was something I really wanted to do then, and at the time I said, “no,” but I did it anyway. Why?!

And, did I really have to either chose having a cigarette or eating tonight?

I lied there for fifteen minutes or so. I couldn’t get rid of the sour feeling in my stomach. I took off for the restroom and I made myself ill, and all of this horrid bile came about. I felt slightly better, but my head still spun. I decided to try to eat something, which made me feel much better, but . . . I went over-board. . . I wasn’t feeling hungry, but still. . . I kept eating.  Why?  Why?  Why?  Why do I do this? I didn’t make myself sick afterwards, but . . . it’s just as unbearable for me that I even ate as much as I did.  I’m always shuffling bad habits. . . Trading one in for the another that I had placed to the side. . . Why? Why do I do this to myself? I hate feeling this way. It’s torture, and there’s no-future in this. When I’m "straight and narrow," I’m constantly exercising and barely eating anything. Why is there no-middle ground? Why is there no-educated care that I give myself? Everything is so black and white, and I feel like an idiot trapped in bad habits. Is it possible that I like feeling this way?  Or my mind is so used to it?

Sometimes I think the familiarity of it is what I’m looking for, because it has to bring me some sort of delight –perhaps control?  I know this past week I was particularly hard on my body, doing things just to get out of my head, but now that school is approaching I can’t be so irresponsible, but I fear that my bulimia is just going to go through the roof, and I fear inducing physical pain on myself again . . . or maybe I’ll just go completely cold turkey and barely eat at all . . . but then I worry . . . how is my mind going to operate by doing that?  It’s not. . .  And I need to do well in school.  I have to.  I can’t pick-up chain smoking like I used to when I was younger, either, since that’s a huge no-no with the medication I’m taking.  I can’t worry about getting blood clots on top of everything else. . .

How do I get out of these habits?  I love the control aspect of most of it, but I know the damage it all does, and I’m finally at a place in life where the thought of such damage actually scares me.  That’s . . . something, right?

I just don’t know what to do.  The more I restrict, the more I may eat, the more I eat, the more likely I am to make myself ill.  For a long time I was doing nothing but vomiting every single day, every single meal.  I even was so bold to start doing it out in public. . .  And then the shame. . .  Once I saw a bit of vomit on a sneaker of mine, and I was both mortified and proud of it.  What’s up with my head?  I don’t . . . want to be that type of person.  I also don’t want to be the type of person who has to exercise every other minute. . .  I also don’t want the distracting of bandaged arms and thighs, keeping it hidden from my teachers and classmates.  I’m so tired of all these extremes. . .  I don’t know what to do without it, though.  I don’t know how I’m going to cope with going to class every day and the social structure of it all. . .  I feel like a complete wreck. . .  The anxiety of it all just makes me want to shut down completely. . .

 

And here I am again, almost seven in the morning and I haven’t slept. . .

2 Comments
  1. Martha_My_Dear 11 years ago

    Thank you very much reading my post, Liz.  Your kind words mean a lot, as this community has become my only out-let to try to cope with things at the moment and read other people”s experiences.

    I sadly have never been to therapy, but I want to go very much.  I”m so worried about what will become of me if I don”t.  I just can not afford it at the moment, nor does my college offer any free help or services.  I just have to manage through the next two years while waiting to get medical insurance/a job, and go see what I can do when I transfer to a university.

     

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  2. Martha_My_Dear 11 years ago

    I have never tried calling someone because . . . they make me feel paranoid.  They get all of your information just by recording your telephone number, and even if they think you”re even slightly suicidal (which I am not at the moment. . .) they will notify the cops, and that”s nothing my family can handle right now.  Then I”d be forced into the system, and it will go on my record. . .  The idea of it really bothers me.  I”d rather make sure when I get help that it is all kept confidential and private.  The same thing would happen if I were to go directly to a hospital. . .  And even then I would still have to come up with the money to pay for it, and I”m as poor as a monkey.  =)

    I”d love to try those techniques with the food.  If only my mother didn”t keep only horrible things to eat in the kitchen.  =/

    Thank you so much!  I think I”m going to try to just . . . zone out for a couple of days and work on the things around me, and try to keep the focus off my mind . . . and see where that gets me. . .
     

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