I felt SO awful yesterday. Wrote in my journal for like 4 hours straight. Might have gotten up twice–to stop a cat from getting into something. I couldn't stop writing. I was soscared to think about anything that might make me feel better.

The other dayI read about a man who would have intrusive images come into his head ofsexually molesting boys he saw. Of course, it immensely disturbed him, so he would visualize himself teaching those boys to play baseball instead. It worked for awhile. But then it began to backfire; every time he saw a baseball game it took him back to those awful intrusive thoughts.

I got afraid that everything was a compulsion. I was afraid to let myself recall memories of the cats that I lost this year because if it was a compulsion, it might lead back to the obsessions every time I remembered them and it would ruin the memories. (Though my head did argue–what's the point of a memory if you can't allow yourself to remember it?)

I started thinking nothing in my life had been real. (Don't ask me how I rationalized that–I don't remember at the moment and I don't see a need to go through it again right now.)

Because of what I've read about reassurance being a compulsion I actually got afraid to open my Bible because I might read something reassuring. And I knew that that was INSANE!!! It would be laughable if it hadn't scared me so much. It's hard for me to admit that because I know how ridiculous it really is.  Even I am laughing at it some now.

I don't even know how the whole thing was broken, but somehow I got up and went out and fed my dogs and went for a walk. And then I got into a normal conversation with my sister about some of the pets we've lost this past year. Suddenly I had a clear picture of my baby (cat) in my head and it was a happy memory. Then it occurred to me that nothing can ruin that memory–it wasn't a compulsion.  How silly we can be when OCD jumps out at us from the shadows….

And today I feel so good that I've questioned again if I have OCD. haha Though every time the phone rings I get the beginnings of a panic attack. *sigh* I pray to get to the point where I can make myself figure out my finances and take care of my student loans….