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When you change, and start doing things in a different way or start feeling differently towards certain things….its not always easy to know if the changes are for the good or for the bad. At least it seems that way for me. Two months ago I was desperate for connection. Desperate for contact with people. Desperate to have people to talk with or to….to be interactive with. Things happened and I was semi forced into isolation. I now live alone most of the time in a place where I dont know anyone and am only here temporarily and many of my neighbors are shady people. Yes, I could go to the grocery store more often or go to the library and talk with a librarian or call my kids and husband more often. I just really dont want to talk to people I barely know like people at the store. It hurts an awful lot to talk to my kids and husband because I cant touch them, be there with them and I am missing out on so much. I do call them nearly once a day or so and text a lot. Its pretty painful though.

I honestly cant tell if the little changes of the last two months of me living alone are good or not. I had this thought last night as I fell asleep……what would I think if a friend of mine had these changes? Hmmm, maybe I can try to step back a bit and pretend I am not me a bit and see if that helps me. Idk if I can but I figured I would try it out.

The last two months I am sleeping more. Not always because I am tired. I sleep to escape. There have been times that I have taken sleeping pills early in the evening so that I would fall asleep hours before an average adult would even consider it. Just to not be conscious.

I spend more time with my fictional friends than I do with real people. I text and call my Grandma about 5 times a week. I text and call my husband and kids about 6-7 days a week. I email, message, or talk on DT with 2-3 people about 1-5 days a week depending on the week. The rest of the time my friends are the characters in the books I'm reading or movies I'm watching. If I miss one of them I just put that DVD in or read that book. They cant really leave me that way. I do have a dog here with me and she does help.

I drink alcohol, always alone and usually as a form of escape. I dont drink often because I cant afford it and I cant drink before I go into work and I am working a LOT. When I do drink though its always alone and usually a whole bottle of wine over a few hours. I drink to try and forget stuff and perhaps fall asleep sooner.

I am no longer talking with people who hurt me or make me feel like a bad person. All my former friends, my mother, etc…. They dont seem to care one bit lol and never contact me to ask whats happened to me but at least they are no longer tearing me down.

I only shower on days I work and rarely leave my bed except on days I work.

I am riding my bike to work most days and about once a week going for a run. I walk my dog on the days I have to leave her to go to work so that she is a bit tired before I have to leave her. This is good exercise and I am proud that I have kept all that up for two months.

I am really really afraid to let people get close to me or know too much about me. I'm really afraid to go out, reach out or be with people anymore. However, I am no longer afraid to be alone and I dont fear the future anymore. I am also a little more content with my marriage. I am never truly suicidal (though I wouldnt be sad to die) as long as I keep up with my meds.

Idk, if I weren't me but my friend I think I would be a little worried. Some of that is really good but most of it really isnt. I dont know exactly what I would suggest for myself. I wont be here long enough to bother finding a therapist or doc. If anyone read this and has thoughts I would appreciate hearing them. Even if nobody reads this it was nice to think it through and get it all down where I could read it and think about it. I'm really grateful for the positive changes though! 🙂

1 Comment
  1. cgent7 8 years ago
    Hi Steph,
    I read your blog with great interest because in many ways it mirrors a period I have lived through. And like you I sometimes wondered if I was okay or not. But, looking back, I now know that not only was I doing okay then but that was the period when I was learning the most important lessons of my life. We can never be friends with life unless or until we are friends with ourselves. And there is no better way to become friends with ourselves than to live isolated for an extended period of time. Then we either become our own best friend…or go insane. And the way to know which of those two is happening is by paying attention to how we feel. If we feel good(or even just okay) then we are becoming happier with ourselves. If we feel bad (scared or angry) then we are not progressing. I see you listed your mood when writing this blog as "content" and that speaks volumes to me. That is a sign that you are doing okay…all by yourself. Once you become proficient at this you will no longer need to rely on anyone else for your happiness. Only then are you free. Only then can you choose to enjoy someone's company when they appear in your life…or walk away. You will no longer be "needy"….and neediness is the source of almost all emotional pain. It makes no difference how you entertain yourself when you are alone. You can talk to the walls, to fictional companions, to yourself…anything. The key is to feel happy(or at least somewhat so). If you are doing that then you are making progress. I would bet that you could slowly lower the alcohol and sleep meds as little by little the world will look more friendly and less threatening. And you will never be without your best friend – YOU 🙂
     
    All the best,
    jim
     
    P.S. As you came to realize at the end of your post, you were actually writing it for yourself. And you probably already figured out everything I said above before I even wrote it 🙂
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