I am a 26 year old young lady on the edge of breaking down. Everyone around me thinks I am this extremely happy girl who is always hyper and loving life. However deep down I am dying inside. No will ever know that because I put on this happy act because I don’t want people to know who I really am. I’ll tell you who I really am. I am a girl whose been living with OCD for pretty much since I was 13. I didn’t realize I had OCD till I was seventeen when it became really bad. At least I thought that’s the worst it can it get. Boy was I wrong. It’s gotten worst since my grandpa died a year and a half ago. I lost the one person who was the father figure in my life. I never lost anyone close to me until I lost him. But I will go more into that later. When I was 17 years old I started wiped and washing my private area a lot and till this day I still wipe a lot but not as much as I use too. I take 10 minutes to urinate while it only takes a normal person to urinate in 10 seconds. Everyone around me knows I take long in the bathroom. I pretend I have to release a bowel movement just to hide the fact that I really wipe a lot. My whole family knows I have OCD and my boyfriend as well. They are all supportive especially my mom and bf. But only one of my friends know have this disorder, none of my other friends know I have OCD, either does my coworkers.

 

Sometime I feel like I am living a double life, like I am hiding a secret and my secret is my OCD. I am embarrassed by it. But that’s not the only ritual I do. I always have to make sure what I have to do for the day and I go over and over it till it sticks into my head that I’ve finished everything I had to do. I obsess basically over every little thing. I always got to make sure I have everything with me over and over again. I make sure I am dressed and everything is on over and over again. I have thoughts in my head that aren’t true and I answer them to calm myself down.  It’s gotten so bad that it affect my life even more than ever. It never use to affect my life where it interfered with my school work and I am always late to school and work because of my rituals. I feel as if my boyfriend deserves someone who is normal, I feel like he could do better because I have OCD. I feel like a crazy person. It gets to the point where I say I don’t want to live anymore. I feel like that is my only answer to fix this problem. I am exhausted over my rituals but I can’t stop or my anxiety will increase I feel I give to my anxiety in order to calm myself down. I ask myself why me, why was I born to be this way. I would never wish this life on anyone. I can’t even remember how my life was when I didn’t have OCD. I want to get better and I wish it could just happen overnight, I know it will take a long time.

 

I am scared for my future. I can’t see how OCD will just leave if I am like this, how it can just disappear. My OCD is the one thing I can control I can do my rituals, I can calm myself down and no one can stop me. It’s my own way of controlling things.  My whole life I couldn’t control anything, it’s a sense of control. I couldn’t control my parents from getting a divorce when I was thirteen, I couldn’t control that fact that my mom raised three of my cousins, I couldn’t control when my mom gave my dog away and finally I couldn’t control my grandpa from dying. I feel like every since he passed my OCD gotten really worse. I knew I’d miss him but I had no idea it would affect my OCD. My grandpa was like my father and I was very close to him and when I lost him I felt as if I lost a part of me.  Now that he is gone, I am the house a lone some times and that’s when I do my rituals more. I hate myself because I don’t like the person I became. I am very stressed when I am in school because I’ve been in college for 5 yrs and took 2 yrs off because I don’t know what I want to do in life and that scares me. I hate school and I am sick of it. I am afraid to face the real world. I lack confidence and I feel I could never achieve anything. OCD just use to be a problem I had that I wouldn’t let take over my life, now OCD is taking charge of my life and I want to get my life back and start taking charge of my own life. I want beat my OCD and I want to stop letting OCD controlling me. I came on this site in the hope that someone could help me because they are going through the same thing as me. I know I am not alone, I know their people out there that can share their stories too and maybe I can help you guys as well. I need support. Thank you for reading my story.