Oh hi out there, I need to vent today, this is safe place to do so…

I want to run away! really I do. I live on850.00 from SS disability, i'm grateful but its not enuf to live on my own. My partner has copd, emphysema, he is getting worse… how could I just ditch him? would be cruel and we been together 12 f'king years,, once again I have settled for a man who I didn't love, or LOVE, in order to keep my house,Now I am trapped here and I hate it.He is still working 3 days a week, that will end pretty soon, he is getting worse. So my dilema is to stay loyal and take on the role of a nurse, or run away but I don't know where to go!! not very close to family, and too ashamed anyway. Oh god i been anxious and afraid what if he dies? I would miss him, he is a kind person..But I feel like this situation is either causing or exacerbating my emo problems, I just dont know what to do, there is no way out. I've even had suicidal thoughts again, shit it's in the paper so much, so common anymore. But I really just want to book. The old rock and a hard place. I used to be so fearless, travel anywhere with my friends. Those friends are all scattered, they have good lives, i'm happy for them, but here i',m alone 35 years later, no joy no sex drive I hate the drugs they give me, hate whole stupid system. ok will I ever have sex again? i have No desire it just seems like it's all gone and the future is just more frar and anger and despair. I have read so much for decades,I know all the counseling remidies meditation etc etc, I just won't do it. I am sorta incoherent but today I want to throw some clothes in the car, grab my personal stash, passport and just go far away. friends are going to Costa Rica to retire, they say I could come too. If wishes were horses dreamers would ride.