Yesterday was another day of weeping almost constantly. I know I should stay away from things that have the potential to make me sad~ one writer I read calls that type of thing a "sympathy sob". But as usual I'm too hard-headed to admit that sometimes I can't handle that kind of thing, thatI need to put distance between myself and other peoples' pain when I'm fighting my own downward spiral.
I made myself go out with my Mom, made myself distance from the pain that empathy brings, and focused on getting myself together to do Zachary's school shopping. I was proud of myself for managing to pull it together that long.
I've been spending a lot of time with my animals~ specifically my birds and rabbit Trigger. Unfortunately the new cockatiel Zeke has chosen to bond with me instead of Zachary, but maybe that's for the best because April is much more docile and quiet and can handle Zachary's inability to sit still better. It touches me to watch him with her~ he lies on his stomach on the floor and slithers around the living room to April a ride on the "birdy express" as he calls it. It brings a smile to my face. HE brings a smile to my face.
So I took a long nap after lunch, and Aaron went to pick up Zach from summer camp. I got up and got ready to go to my therapy session, although I was terrified of going. I didn't want to admit that I was doing as poorly as I was, and there was no way I could hide it from her.
Let's suffice to say it was a rough session. Not because of anything she did wrong, but because of how intensely emotional it got, and how much history I had to relive andtry toseparate myself from.She tried a new technique with me, and while it made me feel uncomfortable, I went withit~ and I think it helpeda lot. Ihaven't cried since Ileft her office last night.
I don't know why I don't see the connection, or why I choose toignore it. Every time Ideal with my Dad or thinkabout going to see him I end up going through a depression. My therapist asked me last night what the payoff was in this continued behavior; and crying, I told her that it's was verification that I would neverbe good enough to be loved. "AND", she said, "it's verificationto the part of you that you believes your nothingbut a piece of shit." I bawled at that, because she never spoke like that, but I realized she was using the strong language to bring my response out fully. And I realized how muchtruth there was to it.
We also talked about how I had come to recognize thatI kept finding men that fit my father's mold, and kept reaffirming that same principle to get the same payoff~ like with Derek, my ex-manager. He toocould be warm and loving and extremely kind at times,but he was also very critical, cold and used people, not to mention the likeness to my Dad in his constant endeavor to snare young women, the one's that he was too old to have any business messing with.
So today is better. Igot so much off my chest last night that was eating me alive. I'm still tired, but I feelmore in control, more like who I am when I'm well. I may have a few more crying jags, but I think they are overforthe most part.
I made a promise to myself and my inner teenager that wewould keep away from Dad as much as humanlypossible and avoid other menlikehim. Part of me isstuck being the 15 yearold teenager who's world has fallen apart becauseof his abandonment.
TomorrowAaron,Zachary and I are going away for 2 days toOrlando again to enjoythe waterpark before Zacharystarts back to school next Wednesday. So it looks like I'll get my little vacation afterall, justwith better company. God I love my husband~ he's such a good person with such a lovingand accepting heart most of the time. He helps keep metogether when times are bad and he isn't afraid of the depressive episodes any more~ he knows how to handle it and what Ineed from him. I'm sograteful for my boys~ he and Zachary are everythingin this world to me.
Thank you all for your support and kindnessand the urgingto look forwards. I cannot say how much itmeans to me. I think so much of my ability to keep going is having friends here that understand what this is like~ and there will never be a way that I can truly repay each of youfor your kindness and love.
Better days are ahead.I can see it on the horizon, and feel it in my bones.