It's been awhile since I've last written, mostly due to the fact that I forgot my name/password, so I'll try to keep the catch up brief.  I'm hoping to gain some insight and advise from an unbiased party through writing this blog.  

In a nutshell, I finally recognized I was in the beginning stages of a domestic violence relationship, which was contributing to my extreme bouts of depression and self-worthlessness.  I didn't mention in my previous blogs but he also had several instances where he pinned me against the fridge, picked me up and threw me out of my own house in nothing but my pjs locking the door, punching holes in the wall and blocking my exit/taking my keys when he thought I was going to leave him from these episodes.  I should have left him then but like many victims made excuses.
Since I do still love my husband and truly believed that perhaps his actions was a result of not having a job, being depressed and adjusting from military to civilian life I did not want to talk to a therapist fearing they would be obligated to breach confidentiality and tell the authorities of animal/domestic abuse landing him in a whole big mess.  I finally confided in my boss, who is also a great friend, and my husband's family (my mother was in a dangerously abusive relationship so I could not confide in her knowing that her reaction would just make things worse).  
I was honest with my husband about everything and he admitted he needed to change so I gave him the benefit of the doubt that he could and agreed that it was best for him to move back to Colorado with friends and family to support him and get him where he needed to be mentally before resulting to ending our marriage.  Over the course of 10 months, he secured and has kept a stable job though he has not sought therapy like he promised to do.  After finding out my company was folding, I decided to move back to Colorado as well since he seems to be doing well here.  Over the past 2 months I've been living with him again he has seemed to of changed though of course I'm still skeptical.  
The past year I've really focused on finding my inner strength again, reconnecting with my dearest friends and loving myself.  I'm very proud to say I feel much more clarity and control over my own life with more much more optimism though I still struggle with things that concern me about my husband.  Can't stop pondering about what type of person could abuse an animal yet alone video tape it.  A friend of mine pointed out in a joking matter that he had similarities to Dexter and that many serial killers start out abusing animals and lead normal lives doing jobs that usually require precision like a doctor – in my husband's case he extract's corneas from dead people's eyes so considering it's along those lines, it kinda creeped me out and I can't stop thinking about it.  In addition, I found that he joined 4 different dating sites seeking "discreet relationships/encounters" though he came up with a bogus excuse denying it and I can't seem to find any evidence he has done anything more than joined a site (he has limited access since he hasn't paid for any of them).  
On the surface things seem fine right now but it's all those little details that keep me skeptical and on edge.  Any thoughts out there on the whole situation or what you would do if you were in my shoes?


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