What have I done?

My whole reason for getting a job was to get the health insurance benefits so I could go for help.  I have to wait 2 months before they kick in.  Now… when I applied at the temp agency my number one reason for getting out for work were those benefits.  The temp agency told me that with them… as soon as I generated my first check I would be covered. 

Well… what do they do?  they find me a job with some other company where I have to wait the two months.  Great and all that it is… that I will finally have something… but I feel like complete crap the last few days.

And do you know what makes everything worse? 

Pretending I don't feel bad.  Smiling and pretending everything is just peachy keen.  Listening to people who think they are better than me go on and on about how important their jobs are compared to mine… doesn't help.

I know I'm at the bottom of the food chain at work… I'm new, and I'm only the receptionist, but why are people so freaking horrible?

Does anyone else ever feel like they put on a mask that isn't themselves?  You smile and laugh for others but inside it just isn't happy or funny to be doing so… You show the world and the people all these different masks.  A new mask for each group or person… you show them what they want to see.  Someone who will bend over backwards to make them happy… but in the end you just feel even more lost than you were when you started… trying to make everyone happy but yourself because you hope that by doing so they will somehow give back as much as you've given them.

Am I just now babbling incoherently?  Is nothing I'm saying making sense?

I'm so tired.  I am at work 9 hours, and now am adding an additional 15 minutes to that time schedule.  Granted I get an hour lunch break, but please… someone tell me why I need an hour when the other 8, especially today, I was sitting there bored out of my mind because there was absolutely nothing to do…?

I know… I'm complaining.  I need to stop.  And I will.

But tonight I just am so tired.  I started crying, and at first I just didn't know why.  I feel like I will never get used to this new schedule… I will never get used to the 90 percent of those people I work with in that building… They look at me like I'm trash.  Is that just me?  Yes, it might be… but when you try to introduce yourself, or talk to people… and they turn away, or they ask your co worker, 'and what exactly do I need to talk to Her for?'  after he explains I'm the new receptionist… Tell me they think I'm something better than I am… because I just don't see it. 

Those people treat my coworkers just as badly, and I can't understand why.  Why they can look at any person and not see their worth.  Why I can't measure up…

I have to prove myself… I know… Again… I'm just so tired.  In two days I will be at that location all by myself for 70% of the day… One co worker who does the mail run will be around to take over when I take my breaks and when he can stop in to chat… but otherwise I get the snooty pricks who don't think I'm more than their doormat… at their beck and call…

I swear to God… or whatever I believe… I will give this job a chance… and I will prove myself… BUT… if I believe that this isn't the right place for me… because the people continue to treat me like shit… I WILL go to my boss and I WILL either ask for reassignment, or I WILL resign.  I don't care if this is how it is everywhere.  The few people who looked at me… who saw me… who smiled at me… who said my name to correctly and repeated it so they would remember… are worth my sticking around for.  They saw me… and I will show the rest of them.

I'm so tired.

I hate people… I really really do.  Why are people so mean?