Dirty Secret

You’ll never know the feeling of misery inside,

The sting of alcohol as it pumps through your veins.

How could you understand the burn of anger?

Or the rush of fury in my mind,

I can not explain the kick of adrenalin

Nor the paralysing effect of hate.

No words describe the force at which it hits;

All consuming; my body ravaged by emotion.

How could I tell you that I’m in pain?

You would not understand.

Have you ever had the devils hand choke you?

Hold you down and press him self upon you?

Could you imagine his weight crushing your bones?

Or his breath smothering your face?

Nothing compares to the touch of his molesting hands,

The way he grabbed for what wasn’t his.

You’ll never know the feeling of despair inside

The throb of helplessness down your thighs

How could you understand the feel of dirt?

You’ve never felt my shame nor my guilt,

I can not explain the dejection in my heart

Nor the damaging aches inside.

How could I tell you I’m hurting?

And all the reasons why?

Adults can’t comprehend.

I didn’t want you seeing me broken;

I would be strong and together,

So my secret lay and rotted

But its hiding is at an end

Because now I think your ready,

You can know;

He raped me;

When I was just thirteen.

i wrote this poem  a couple of months to a year after wards. I always came back to it, added, re-worded, took away, changed bits. nothing really fitted. i couldnt find the words to make my feelings heard. i still cant. i still dont feel like this poem really portrays the  depth of the emotions- or maybe it does. its up to your own interpritation and thoughts i guess.

Its been 4 years .

Only two people have ever read this poem.

xx imogen.