So, my family's moving. Something that's really troubling me because we've been in the same place for almost ten years. It's a crappy apartment building, which I'm more than happy to leave, but I'm so freakin' used to it that I sort of don't want to. The rest of my family, my sister and mom, think I am completely insane. Not that they don't already think that, but I guess they think it more than usual. It's difficult dealing with my social anxiety with them around because they're all like, 'You shouldn't let this bother you so much.' And I'm thinking, 'I'm working on it and it takes time, obviously. I'm not going to wake up one day and not have it. But of course, they don't care. They say it's my fault I'm letting it control me and blah, blah. I've had anxiety for a long time, and because of other problems with my sister, I didn't reveal what was going on with me until about six months ago. When I finally told my mom, she really didn't get it and said that I was stupid for not saying anything earlier. For one, I didn't even know about social anxiety until I started looking it up around 17 years old and I still didn't completely understand it. So, when I did tell her, I was really just beginning to understand what anxiety was. I, personally, always just thought I was extremely shy. I used to make up some of the most stupid excuses to stay home from school. My neck hurt. My head hurt. All sorts of stuff. Eventually my school stepped in and had a meeting with me and my mother. They wanted to know if something was going on at home and if that was why I was missing so many days. This happened before I figured out I had anxiety, so I had no explanation, nor did my mother. She just took me out of school and put me in home schooling. Which was fine for a bit, but then I started missing my weekly meetings to turn my work in and get more. She kept asking if something was wrong, and I just told her I didn't like going to school, which was a complete lie, because I love learning and school was fun, in a way. So, she took me out and I got my G.E.D., so I wouldn't have to deal with school anymore, but then, my mom was wondering why I NEVER went anywhere. She would compare me to my sister, who has been going out and staying out since she was 14 years old. We're seven years apart, so we never really went anywhere together. In fact, I plain just don't like my sister. Mainly because she's always the one who used to say, if I didn't want to do or go somewhere where there were a lot of people, 'Oh, she's just thinking someone wants her or something will happen to her.' Which in a way is true. I did think something would happen, as in someone would talk to me or someone would ask for my phone number. I knew I wouldn't call them back, because I hardly call anyone. I don't have any of my old friends. I mainly just talk to people online, when I feel too lonely. My mom used to just think I wasn't 'right.'   Which is crazy because she knows I'm smart and I am as sane as I can possibly be, even though I am a little bit strange and whatnot.

Plus, she never really pushed me to be social. My sister used to get in a lot of trouble, so when I got to the age to be going out and whatever, she was actually happy I did like being in the house, but she didn't think it was too much until much later, and the problem had already gotten pretty bad. So, she threw me in counseling, which does very little for me. I don't like talking about myself or my problems, at least not to this guy, so it seems like a lost cause.

I would probably like the guy better if he wasn't so … ugghh. He's one of those people who tries to be everyone. If you talk very proper and act very proper, then that's how he'll act. If you act sort of ghetto, then he will. If you mispronounce a word or use it wrong, he'll say that word back in a sentence, in the wrong way, but sort of in a question back to you. I feel like he's really just making fun of me, which I don't like. I'm probably going to change, because I haven't gone to see him in weeks. I'll probably lie and say I was sick when I finally do go see him.

I have depression, but I think I'm in denial about it. I hardly ever feel depressed, but everyone says I act depressed. So, okay, I listen to strange music, (it's only strange to my family because we're black and they listen to r&b and rap, but I can't stand that, so I listen to rock and alternative stuff) I dress in black a lot, I like my room dark, I don't talk much, I observe people, and I mainly only stay awake at night. That doesn't make me depressed, at least I don't think so. Maybe I'm wrong. I don't know any depressed people, so I just may not realize I am acting depressed. I think my depression started when my grandmother got Alzheimer's disease. She was really the only person I was close with, so when she forgot who I was and couldn't remember anything I said, it just got really difficult for me to understand and accept. I can barely ever go to her house because I'll just start crying, and she'll just stare at me, which makes it hurt even more because she doesn't know who I am or why I'm sitting there crying. But she does come back to her mind sometimes, and remembers me and everything, and we sit there and talk and laugh, but then she goes back out and it makes me sad and angry all over again.

 There was a concert I wanted to go to in July, The Project Revolution tour thingy. Three of my fave bands will be there, plus one I just started getting into. I can't bring myself to go, even though I want to see one band really bad and I've been waiting for years to see them. And my mom doesn't encourage me at all because she's hoping this 'rock music' is just a phase. I've been liking rock music since the early nineties, thanks to my grandmother, so it's a long phase, if it is one.

 Oh, well, I'm bored and one of my online friends wants to talk, so I'll stop writing.

R_Ws