Hi!

You do not have to answer this message; I just like to write and sharing with you my progress. Just another OCD entry in my diary, hahaha!

So, yesterday, I wrote the two obsessions I was scared to talk about on a paper, and it took me two hours and a half, really (I went to bed at 1 am, ahem). Seven pages long for the first one, and four pages for the second one; it has been really hard but I finally gave the papers to him. He read them and thinking about this, I want to laugh because he basically told me the same thing mommaofthree's (thank you for your adorable comment by the way) psychiatrist told her when she said everything: "that's it?" Well, he didn't say it like that, but he told me that my fears were not true, and that I was absolutely normal. That I had nothing to worry about, that I had done nothing wrong, and that indeed, like I said, I had too many qualms. We talked a bit about my obsessions and it went great; if I had knew, I wouldn't have waited that long! I was quite proud of myself for deciding to tell him everything and for being brave this time, and he said it was a great step that I had taken. After one year of keeping things to myself, even in therapy, I can't believe I can put the "what if he's going to tell me that my fears are real" behind me.

This morning, it was my umpteenth driving lesson, and it went really, really well, for once. I was very relaxed and I almost haven't done any mistake, and believe me, that was something to me, because OCD is basically uncontrollable when I'm driving. It tries everything to distract me, the anxiety skyrockets, and most of the time, OCD wins and I do some mistake, and every time I'm sad and disappointed. So I was quite happy. But I had a second driving lesson this afternoon, and of course, half an hour before, the little OCD voice made its come back (telling me that I didn't say this or that detail to my therapist about that obsession and that maybe it could change his opinion about me, telling me that maybe my therapist is not right, that some other professional could think they are true/real, that I should seek reassurance again), and I was already anxious by the time the lesson started. So I was not very confident, and because we did some maneuvers today (something I'm not very good at; well it's not that I'm not good at it, but I'm always scared of doing the wrong thing in these moments; I'm already afraid of not being able to ignore the thoughts), it was even harder to ignore my OCD. I always succeed in the end, but after many hesitations, and after fighting inside to not listen to the doubts floating in my head, etc. So of course, it looks like I'm ill-at-ease and not confident at all (which is true) and I do some stupid things, thanks to OCD. And, after that driving lesson, as almost always, I just wanted to burst into tears because I wished things could be easier.

So I'm doubting… it seems like I will never, ever be able to fully ignore my OCD when I'm driving. So everytime I'm really anxious… because I already know that I'm gonna do some mistakes and you can't make mistakes when you're driving, because you're putting the life of others in danger, etc… and then I feel guilty (because I'm a public danger). I know, I know that I'm asking too much, and that I can't suppress OCD like that, even after what happened yesterday. I'm only twenty years old, and I've made some incredible progress… I'm close to recovery! But damn, it's so frustrating! After five years of fighting against this bullshit, I'm still not able to fully control it, to ignore the "whatifs", that looooooove bothering me in really important situations. I know that I will get my driving licence. But I'm a bit angry, because the OCD costs me a lot of money! And I'm even more frustrated because my driving monitor thinks that I'm not very good at driving (he even told me that he has neven seen someone as anxious as me when driving! nice) but I could be good at driving, if I didn't have OCD, and it's annoying. It's useless to wish that I didn't have OCD, but I'm upset because I feel like people don't know the "real" me. I love driving, I love changing gears and using the clutch pedal and I could be really good at that, but OCD is "ruining" everything everytime! My monitor tells me that I WILL get this driving licence and that he knows it, but I'm still scared that one day, he's going to tell me: "you will never have it", and basically… OCD would win!

You're very courageous if you read all of my ranting, aha. But… I wish that OCD could leave me alone just during my driving lessons, that's all I'm asking for.