I feel like completely nothing. All day everyday, nothing seeps into my soul and I am getting tired of dealing with it. I've been going to the gym like everyday and for the most part that makes me happy and lets me release my frustration of a broken heart onto something healthy. But in the end it is just temporary. I just want someone to hold me and tell me that everythings ok. I know its not and especially now I am not too keen on physical affection. I am surrounded by lust and just desire for my body but its nothing more. With Him, at least he held me and he would always tell me that he loved me and that I was his "everything." Its hard being his nothing now, I know he needs to grow up and well as do I but I am so impatient. I don't know how much longer I have here. This keeps reappearing as a theme in my life, for now I have to consider graduate school or medical school or something. I put myself on a fast moving track and now I can't keep up. I'm that awkward fat kid falling on the track desperately trying to get my inhaler.

I want to move on, but then again I don't. I don't want to wake up and not see him. I would bounce on him in the morning to get him up… he would snuggle with me and my dogs and he looks into my eyes like no one has ever done. He loves me for who I am, and he still does. I still love him but its complete torture trying to pry myself away from him or even just thinking about him. I should move on, everyone is telling me but I refuse to. As for other "fish in the sea" ha all they want is just lust. I don't like making assumptions but especially after having my heart broken I can't help but not want anything intense or overwhelming. I need to look out for myself, but I just wanna throw myself into oblivion. I thought he could be my savior but he didn't or couldn't save me. I don't expect others to save me, but he was different. I think I lost my one true love, that is assuming that that exists as well as the existence of love.